Losing loved ones

Hearts are breaking and tears are flowing. The loss is present and we are surrounded by sadness of family and friends who left this life too soon. These past couple of months seems to have many I love in pain. From my families loss to friends who continue to lose someone truly close. I want to extend my deepest sympathies to all those who are suffering. Who continue to try and understand why they are gone. There’s never a good answer or time but all we can do is believe that God is doing what he needs to do.

We can hold on to the memories that we so beautifully shared with those lost. Each day gets better or so they say. All we can do is live each day surrounded by love of family and friends and live each day helping each other. Stay safe and remember there is always someone who loves your smile so even though it’s hard be sure to show it.

Loss and life

Today is a day of many emotions. A year ago today I lost a beautiful friend. A kind, full of life, gracious, strong, amazingly special in all ways to a continuous on and off battle of cancer. She brought so much love and joy to all those who knew her and every day she is thought about and missed. I know she is a beautiful angel care and pain free watching us and smiling that amazing smile. I can still hear that wondrous laugh. It truly was one of a kind. Today as I remember her and smile through sadness for a loss so great. I remember the amazing times we shared together. I am also reminded that life continues no matter the pain, the loss and the confusion.

This morning as I was helping Giovanni and Isannah with their character day costumes for school I saw the beauty that is life in their smiles and the innocence that shines from these two little bodies. Seeing that was able to lift me and give me the smile I needed to continue my day. I watched them in class as they each got ready to begin their school day. I saw and heard the smiles and laughter filling their classrooms. This was life. This was light and the start of new beginnings.
Before leaving I peaked once more in each classroom to remind myself that life is always continuing. May today remind you that you are alive no matter your situation and that you have another day to enjoy all that you can. We are surrounded by beauty even in the tiniest of views.

Take that moment with you

You’re in a bummed out mood and you are just feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and while you are going through these emotions you take a walk and notice every beautiful person passing by. As each one passes you say to yourself, I wish I was her/him. They seem so put together and beautiful. The right weight size that I’ve been trying to reach. The flawless skin and perfect smile. You start bringing yourself down even more. Before you go any further with what you see on the outside remember that they have scars too. Maybe some are old and healing or some are opened and fresh. You never know what someone across from you is going through. They could be thinking you are the most amazing person they’ve seen and they are contemplating the worst thing ever. Things always seem better on the opposite end but remember things are not always as they seem. You are beautifully made because God selected you to be this way. We are each special even if we don’t feel that way all the time or even any of the time. Try to remember that what you see in the mirror may be completely different from what another person sees in you and at that moment you can be bringing them a smile and a joy they’ve been missing. Some days just suck but hold on to those days that aren’t so bad. Hold on to the dreams you once had and focus on making them come true. Think about a family member and/or friend that loves you unconditionally. You have a life that can be filled with so much more than you allow yourself to see. It’s always good to have a focus point. Something that makes the corners of your mouth lift and remember that. Take that moment with you everywhere you go. I know I do.



Family, Life and Love

Family, Life and Love. Three powerful words, amazingly beautiful together but scary and horrifying as well. We all have this beautiful vision of what family is. Either we are born into the family that everyone wants or a family that needs a lot of stitching, bandages and healing time. Family is what it is. It’s not always about love but when it comes down to it…it should be. The individuals that make up a family are grown with love.

Life is as it sounds. It’s waking up everyday living, breathing and being.

We all have family issues, hiccups and heartaches but we also have happiness, cheek aching laughter and tender embraces of hope filled dreams.

Love always tries to be the stronger word. It sees the good in all the bad. The hope in all of the sadness, pain and fear and the faith that things can always be better than what we allow. Sadly, the fights, the tears and fear cause the family side to override the love that is desperately trying to blanket all our hearts.

See no matter how much you love. How much you miss someone. No matter how much you wish you were able to get past all the pain and heartache that someone(s) in your family has caused there’s always that thin needle piercing your love filled heart crippling it for even longer. Causing the healing to be delayed and/or put off until closure is presented in some way. You try to find that closure on your own but sometimes all that’s needed is to face it. To confront the person(s) so that together you can find closure and therefore move on.

In some cases moving on is forced and problems, misdoings, misunderstandings get swept away for the moment until all the dust that lies beneath collects and the inevitable explosions erupt. This is when you relive the pain and then it intensifies in a way that there is no turning back. You become lost and forgiving is a word in the far unattainable distance.

Before we let it get that far. Before the family bond breaks apart piece by piece. Family member by family member until there’s no family at all. Just a tree made up of frail lifeless dead branches we should try to let love fill that pain first.

Inside we all want that tree to be alive and thriving. To stretch towards the sun and fill with arms (branches) that hug, and hold life and love in. Even if we don’t want to admit it we wish for our tree to be filled with love of branches. Leaves of hope, the strength of family and life from the foundation that brings it all together.

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The stares in the mirror

As you get older you notice the stares in the mirror get longer. You realize that time is taken a toll on you, not only on your body but all over your face. Each stare gets longer and each line more pronounced. You try to manage a smile but with quivering lips it’s not always easy. Then you are hit with the realization that there are many younger, more prettier and more youthful running about and your chest begins to cave in and you slouch where you once were standing tall. This is when the questions begin. Does he notice them? Am I still beautiful on the outside as he once thought? Do I still cause his heart to skip a beat knowing he will see me after a long day at work? Or do others around him keep his interest and his heart fluttering?

He’s surrounded by the world and I’m surrounded by errands, interactions with little people and those that care for them. Have I lost that touch? Did I lose my sparkle? Your heart feels heavy but it’s time to step away from that mirror and dress those two miracles calling out to you. You slowly make your way to them, giving the smiles and hugs they come to expect and love, and once again you are out the door to begin the same day on a different date.

What happened to that person before the kids? The life with the high paying job and a kick ass yearly bonus? This is my life now, right?

Let’s back up a bit and try this again. LOOK at my life…two amazing kids, a beautiful home surrounded by family. Yes, it’s not always easy and boy is it stressful but it’s my life. It’s my journey and the path that gets me where I need to be.

Do I have insecurities and fears? Yes, I do but I’ve come to learn that it’s ok. It’s up to me to always focus on the good and find the positive. But in the meantime find myself and don’t get lost in the fear and others around me.

Although, it gets harder some days I try to look less at the lines that surround my face, the extra something that hangs on my body and let the dust that dulls my sparkle blow away. Sometimes I need to give myself a little shake or a pat to help me shine but all the in between stuff is still there, the only difference is now I understand, it’s ok. When I lose that and the day comes when I feel it’s not ok, I will just remember this. Here and now and I hope that’s enough.

True friends and thanks!

Today I’m reminded just how wonderful it feels to have someone that truly knows YOU for YOU and loves you anyway. I’m reminded just how precious and beautiful a life with a true friend means. We all have people we know, an acquaintance, someone we know in passing or meet along the way through a friend and although it’s nice to know, it’s nothing like the love and relationship of a true friend. One that touches your heart and soul and no matter what happens in between or the miles of distance that friend is a hearts friend. One that belongs there and can never go away. I’m lucky to experience and know what that means. You know who you are and if I don’t say it often or reach out to you as much as I’d like, please know that your love, support and life through the years are my greatest gifts. Please know that I don’t take our friendship for granted and during these last few days, I want you to know you are loved. Life is fragile and oh so short, never doubt for a moment that you were not thought about or prayed for because you are.
All those who say hi along the way and send a nice note, thank you.
May this day embrace you with love so strong it holds you and warms your soul. I have several angels up above that I miss dearly but I know I can see them in my memories, hold them in my heart and see them in my dreams. Sometimes I look up and just smile. I hope you smile today even though your heart may be breaking.

Trying to see life in the sadness

It’s been a day(s) filled with many emotions. I can’t understand how in one second you can be unbelievably happy and in the next the sadness you feel is like heat burning your chest from your heart crumbling. With each falling piece you feel the weight of life slipping and it’s hard to breathe. I felt that on and off today and much of last night. The in between, I was reminded of how beautiful life is. My sister cousin got married today and her wedding reminded me of the happiness that remains. Although we feel sadness and feel like our hope is slipping away there is something like today that tells me to keep the faith. Watching her smile, laugh, dance and just look absolutely beautiful in her dress pulled at my cheeks and helped me raise them in celebration of life. She was starting a new journey as husband and wife and we were there to witness the kind beauty.
Although I lost someone dear to me, I was reminded of all the amazing times I had with her and felt pretty damn lucky to be able to hold on to those memories. That doesn’t mean there’s not a void and sadness, it means that I will try my hardest to fill it with the happiness we shared.
Being surrounded by family was just what I needed.
Happy 37th Birthday today up in Heaven to my dear friend of strength, courage, life and love. The stars are shining brighter tonight. 

Here come the questions

I finally listened to all the advice given by my friends and husband about switching my twins from 3 ½ days a week to 3 full days a week at school. As difficult as it was for me to make the decision it was harder for me to drop them off that first day. I knew it was the better choice for them as it will help prepare them for Pre K next year but it didn’t make the decision easier.

Now fast forward a bit. The kids are totally enjoying the change in their schedule and things are finally falling into place allowing me to feel more at ease and less guilty with the decision UNTIL you hear all those questions.

When someone hears that you decided to put your kids in school full time even though it’s 3 days and not the full week the flood of questions start flowing. One of my favorites is: what will you do with all that free time?

In the beginning I allowed the questions to drown me with guilt and confusion but as time passes I try to hold my head above water and feel the days one at a time.

That question along with many other similar questions said in a tone of disapproval and disgust made me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I had to physically force myself from shrinking where I stood. When the questions are asked by people who aren’t parents it doesn’t get to me as much as the moms that ask with disgust in their voice and disappointment on their face. It takes everything I have in me not to lash out.

For those parents that feel that I am not doing my part, let me tell you this.

On the days that my kids are in school for a few extra hours I can complete all the laundry instead of having to wash the same load over and over because I left the load to tend to the kids causing the washed clothes to sit in the washer and begin to smell like mildew.

I am able to go grocery shopping with enough room in my shopping cart to buy all the things I need to without crushing one of the kids or holding back on everything I need because there is no room.

I am able to tend to the house the way my heart enjoys so that I can take that deep breath in and smell the pure cleanness that is taken from me because as soon as I clean one area the other side is as messy and dirty as the area I just cleaned. I can take a moment to enjoy all the hard work I was allowed to work straight through without interruptions.

I can pay the bills without staying up late to make sure it is all done without error. I can make all the calls I need to take care of all the outstanding chores that the house requires down to repairs, electric, and maintenance without screaming in the background making it difficult to hear and communicate.

I can have some time to actually take care of me. Yes, I said it “ME” so that I am refreshed and happy all over again which helps with my patience and comfort control. This is an important one that took me a very long time to get to and actually do. This is the time when I can get back to me as a person.

I can go on and on but I’m sure many of you understand.

So to all those people that feel it is their place to judge another person I say to you, no one here can judge. In my eyes and heart the one person that can judge me is God.

We are all trying to do the best we can. I know I am my worst critic and I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. All I can do is love my children unconditionally. Help them along the way and always let them know I am here. Hope that they feel loved and supported always. I am far from the best mom but I’m the only mom I know how to be.

So the next time that person gives you that look and goes off on all the time you have just take a deep breath in, let it out slowly and remember who you are, all that you do every day, all that you accomplished to get to where you are now and just smile. Everyone is battling something and maybe that person is just jealous of all that you have or just amazed at all that you do and just doesn’t know how to say it.

Chin up, enjoy your life and remember good or bad there is something more that will always bring that smile in your heart. At least that’s what I believe.

My moment, my feeling

“When the words can’t truly express what is felt within your heart. When the shaky smile on your face is filled with pain that you hope will pass. When the fear that tomorrow will hold the emptiness that you are pushing away today. That is when you reach deep down inside with all the strength you have to lift that voice of hope and fill the heart with love to carry you once again.”

“Quando le parole non possono davvero esprimere ciò che si sente dentro il tuo cuore. Quando il sorriso tremante sul viso è pieno di dolore che si spera passerà. Quando la paura che domani si terrà il vuoto che si sta spingendo via oggi. Questo è quando si arriva in fondo dentro con tutta la forza che devi alzare quella voce di speranza e di riempire il cuore con amore per portare ancora una volta.”