Trying to see life in the sadness

It’s been a day(s) filled with many emotions. I can’t understand how in one second you can be unbelievably happy and in the next the sadness you feel is like heat burning your chest from your heart crumbling. With each falling piece you feel the weight of life slipping and it’s hard to breathe. I felt that on and off today and much of last night. The in between, I was reminded of how beautiful life is. My sister cousin got married today and her wedding reminded me of the happiness that remains. Although we feel sadness and feel like our hope is slipping away there is something like today that tells me to keep the faith. Watching her smile, laugh, dance and just look absolutely beautiful in her dress pulled at my cheeks and helped me raise them in celebration of life. She was starting a new journey as husband and wife and we were there to witness the kind beauty.
Although I lost someone dear to me, I was reminded of all the amazing times I had with her and felt pretty damn lucky to be able to hold on to those memories. That doesn’t mean there’s not a void and sadness, it means that I will try my hardest to fill it with the happiness we shared.
Being surrounded by family was just what I needed.
Happy 37th Birthday today up in Heaven to my dear friend of strength, courage, life and love. The stars are shining brighter tonight. 

Here come the questions

I finally listened to all the advice given by my friends and husband about switching my twins from 3 ½ days a week to 3 full days a week at school. As difficult as it was for me to make the decision it was harder for me to drop them off that first day. I knew it was the better choice for them as it will help prepare them for Pre K next year but it didn’t make the decision easier.

Now fast forward a bit. The kids are totally enjoying the change in their schedule and things are finally falling into place allowing me to feel more at ease and less guilty with the decision UNTIL you hear all those questions.

When someone hears that you decided to put your kids in school full time even though it’s 3 days and not the full week the flood of questions start flowing. One of my favorites is: what will you do with all that free time?

In the beginning I allowed the questions to drown me with guilt and confusion but as time passes I try to hold my head above water and feel the days one at a time.

That question along with many other similar questions said in a tone of disapproval and disgust made me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I had to physically force myself from shrinking where I stood. When the questions are asked by people who aren’t parents it doesn’t get to me as much as the moms that ask with disgust in their voice and disappointment on their face. It takes everything I have in me not to lash out.

For those parents that feel that I am not doing my part, let me tell you this.

On the days that my kids are in school for a few extra hours I can complete all the laundry instead of having to wash the same load over and over because I left the load to tend to the kids causing the washed clothes to sit in the washer and begin to smell like mildew.

I am able to go grocery shopping with enough room in my shopping cart to buy all the things I need to without crushing one of the kids or holding back on everything I need because there is no room.

I am able to tend to the house the way my heart enjoys so that I can take that deep breath in and smell the pure cleanness that is taken from me because as soon as I clean one area the other side is as messy and dirty as the area I just cleaned. I can take a moment to enjoy all the hard work I was allowed to work straight through without interruptions.

I can pay the bills without staying up late to make sure it is all done without error. I can make all the calls I need to take care of all the outstanding chores that the house requires down to repairs, electric, and maintenance without screaming in the background making it difficult to hear and communicate.

I can have some time to actually take care of me. Yes, I said it “ME” so that I am refreshed and happy all over again which helps with my patience and comfort control. This is an important one that took me a very long time to get to and actually do. This is the time when I can get back to me as a person.

I can go on and on but I’m sure many of you understand.

So to all those people that feel it is their place to judge another person I say to you, no one here can judge. In my eyes and heart the one person that can judge me is God.

We are all trying to do the best we can. I know I am my worst critic and I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. All I can do is love my children unconditionally. Help them along the way and always let them know I am here. Hope that they feel loved and supported always. I am far from the best mom but I’m the only mom I know how to be.

So the next time that person gives you that look and goes off on all the time you have just take a deep breath in, let it out slowly and remember who you are, all that you do every day, all that you accomplished to get to where you are now and just smile. Everyone is battling something and maybe that person is just jealous of all that you have or just amazed at all that you do and just doesn’t know how to say it.

Chin up, enjoy your life and remember good or bad there is something more that will always bring that smile in your heart. At least that’s what I believe.

My moment, my feeling

“When the words can’t truly express what is felt within your heart. When the shaky smile on your face is filled with pain that you hope will pass. When the fear that tomorrow will hold the emptiness that you are pushing away today. That is when you reach deep down inside with all the strength you have to lift that voice of hope and fill the heart with love to carry you once again.”

“Quando le parole non possono davvero esprimere ciò che si sente dentro il tuo cuore. Quando il sorriso tremante sul viso è pieno di dolore che si spera passerà. Quando la paura che domani si terrà il vuoto che si sta spingendo via oggi. Questo è quando si arriva in fondo dentro con tutta la forza che devi alzare quella voce di speranza e di riempire il cuore con amore per portare ancora una volta.”

A Long Walk

Perhaps my emotions are all over the place or maybe it’s just the fact that I watched a Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela but this heart is achy, happy, sad, disappointed and in a moment of a life truly lived. Seeing all the struggles, the gain, the loss, the hope and faith. Yes, HOPE of something greater than one person but together found the strength that comes with peace as a whole. 
The struggles some small and others so great that carries the weight of a country is a struggle no matter the size. Try to always remember you are not alone going through something, there are many others that deal with their own struggles. The smiles that are present in vision isn’t always present in heart so speak wisely with care and love in your heart. I know for me it’s a constant reminder as my thoughts can wander but my heart and love will always remain.

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” Nelson Mandela

 

Where is that hand?

Sometimes when you feel yourself slipping into a funk you try desperately to reach for that hand that knows just what to do but as close as you feel to it, the distance eats up at you making you feel further away. You look around at the amazing life you took part in creating but no matter the beauty, love and sounds of laughter, the fear that you buried so deep within you always tries to pull you back to that place. It takes everything in you to push it down.

Where is that hand?

Your timeline

When you were young you planned stages in your life. You drew out a timeline. When you would marry. The age you would have your first child, second and so on. You painted this picture in your head of the life you knew you wanted. But as you got older the years passed and your timeline seemed to change. You weren’t where you always planned you would be. You began to worry and pushed yourself in decisions you wouldn’t normally make but did so because of panic and fear. Things began falling apart and the heart breaks hurt so much more. Your energy was falling and your heart was weakening all because you weren’t making the unrealistic timeline you created for yourself. This is when the stages of disappointment played into your life. Starting with regret, fear, uncertainty which was followed by feeling like you were not meant to be loved, happy or wanted.

You convinced yourself that you did something wrong and this caused you to second guess every decision moving forward. I’m sure there are several other emotions I can mention but I believe the message is conveyed here. You reached a point where all you could do is let go. Let go of the heavy weight you’ve been carrying and just be.

Allow yourself to live each day as the gift it is. Allow yourself to love YOU again. To be the person you buried deep down inside and believe in yourself once more. Once you are able to get “you” back you are ready to move forward. To live with love in your heart. It helped me begin a new journey. One with an open mind, heart and arms. Ready to fill all with life.

I know the realization to get to that point is a challenge but once you are here you realize you have your entire life to start living again.

I know I do. I wish the same for all of you!

 

Reaching out to you, my friend

Today I want to say, thank you for all the love and support of family and friends. A few days ago I was reminded of how fragile life is. Whether it was through my own life or a life close to my heart, it’s a reminder that life is a gift and we have to cherish every moment we are given. It is important to love unconditionally, receive love whole heartedly and just be open to the miracles that surround us even though we fear the loss of those miracles. We don’t know what each day will bring and although beautiful and happy, it’s also scary and confusing. No matter how heavy we feel. How confused we are. We need to believe that his will is greater and he will take us through it all. A lot of tears will be shed and may continue to fall until the end of our journey here but remembering what you have, had and loved can carry us to another day.
Things don’t always make sense and we have to deal with things that we never thought would happen but with the love of family and friends we can get to where we need to be. We need to lift the heavy weight and try to feel lighter, as hard as that may be. Just remember I am a friend till the end and then I will carry your love with me always. Thinking of those special to me and thanking God for my family and friendships.

A touch

We were in a cab on our way to the city. Windows rolled down just enough to feel the gentle breeze swirl inside the car. I was looking out the window to avoid getting car sick. Thoughts of the evening played in my head and not knowing it but my body was a bit tense. Out of nowhere I felt a calming touch on my leg. My husband placed his hand on my leg ever so gently at just the right time, all of the sudden I felt my entire body relax. I took a deep breath and felt so relieved and reassured.

How can a touch be so powerful? How can a touch lift all the burdens of the day? How can a touch remind you that you are loved unconditionally and admired? All I know is that “touch” is all this heart needs and because of it I was able to relax and enjoy all the evening adventures.

That moment when all you need is that touch.

Believe in you

Life is a beautiful gift we are given to live the best way we can with gratitude, love, care, kindness, appreciation in your heart and mind. This gift although fragile is strong in many ways. Please do not dwell on what could have been or fear what will be. Don’t fill your heart with hate and jealousy but with love and kindness. So many people want to hurt you because they are hurting. Understand that and move forward. Don’t let them bring your loving heart down to their pain. You can help them through it. Lift them up even though they are trying to bring you down, and if it doesn’t work carry yourself with the love and respect that God gives all of us. It’s how YOU handle what is given to you rather than what someone else says to be true. Believe in you. 

 

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