Here come the questions

I finally listened to all the advice given by my friends and husband about switching my twins from 3 ½ days a week to 3 full days a week at school. As difficult as it was for me to make the decision it was harder for me to drop them off that first day. I knew it was the better choice for them as it will help prepare them for Pre K next year but it didn’t make the decision easier.

Now fast forward a bit. The kids are totally enjoying the change in their schedule and things are finally falling into place allowing me to feel more at ease and less guilty with the decision UNTIL you hear all those questions.

When someone hears that you decided to put your kids in school full time even though it’s 3 days and not the full week the flood of questions start flowing. One of my favorites is: what will you do with all that free time?

In the beginning I allowed the questions to drown me with guilt and confusion but as time passes I try to hold my head above water and feel the days one at a time.

That question along with many other similar questions said in a tone of disapproval and disgust made me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I had to physically force myself from shrinking where I stood. When the questions are asked by people who aren’t parents it doesn’t get to me as much as the moms that ask with disgust in their voice and disappointment on their face. It takes everything I have in me not to lash out.

For those parents that feel that I am not doing my part, let me tell you this.

On the days that my kids are in school for a few extra hours I can complete all the laundry instead of having to wash the same load over and over because I left the load to tend to the kids causing the washed clothes to sit in the washer and begin to smell like mildew.

I am able to go grocery shopping with enough room in my shopping cart to buy all the things I need to without crushing one of the kids or holding back on everything I need because there is no room.

I am able to tend to the house the way my heart enjoys so that I can take that deep breath in and smell the pure cleanness that is taken from me because as soon as I clean one area the other side is as messy and dirty as the area I just cleaned. I can take a moment to enjoy all the hard work I was allowed to work straight through without interruptions.

I can pay the bills without staying up late to make sure it is all done without error. I can make all the calls I need to take care of all the outstanding chores that the house requires down to repairs, electric, and maintenance without screaming in the background making it difficult to hear and communicate.

I can have some time to actually take care of me. Yes, I said it “ME” so that I am refreshed and happy all over again which helps with my patience and comfort control. This is an important one that took me a very long time to get to and actually do. This is the time when I can get back to me as a person.

I can go on and on but I’m sure many of you understand.

So to all those people that feel it is their place to judge another person I say to you, no one here can judge. In my eyes and heart the one person that can judge me is God.

We are all trying to do the best we can. I know I am my worst critic and I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. All I can do is love my children unconditionally. Help them along the way and always let them know I am here. Hope that they feel loved and supported always. I am far from the best mom but I’m the only mom I know how to be.

So the next time that person gives you that look and goes off on all the time you have just take a deep breath in, let it out slowly and remember who you are, all that you do every day, all that you accomplished to get to where you are now and just smile. Everyone is battling something and maybe that person is just jealous of all that you have or just amazed at all that you do and just doesn’t know how to say it.

Chin up, enjoy your life and remember good or bad there is something more that will always bring that smile in your heart. At least that’s what I believe.

My moment, my feeling

“When the words can’t truly express what is felt within your heart. When the shaky smile on your face is filled with pain that you hope will pass. When the fear that tomorrow will hold the emptiness that you are pushing away today. That is when you reach deep down inside with all the strength you have to lift that voice of hope and fill the heart with love to carry you once again.”

“Quando le parole non possono davvero esprimere ciò che si sente dentro il tuo cuore. Quando il sorriso tremante sul viso è pieno di dolore che si spera passerà. Quando la paura che domani si terrà il vuoto che si sta spingendo via oggi. Questo è quando si arriva in fondo dentro con tutta la forza che devi alzare quella voce di speranza e di riempire il cuore con amore per portare ancora una volta.”

A Long Walk

Perhaps my emotions are all over the place or maybe it’s just the fact that I watched a Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela but this heart is achy, happy, sad, disappointed and in a moment of a life truly lived. Seeing all the struggles, the gain, the loss, the hope and faith. Yes, HOPE of something greater than one person but together found the strength that comes with peace as a whole. 
The struggles some small and others so great that carries the weight of a country is a struggle no matter the size. Try to always remember you are not alone going through something, there are many others that deal with their own struggles. The smiles that are present in vision isn’t always present in heart so speak wisely with care and love in your heart. I know for me it’s a constant reminder as my thoughts can wander but my heart and love will always remain.

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” Nelson Mandela