Until we aren’t

I needed to get away from everything today. Just needed to clear my mind and try to fight this lingering migraine that keeps wanting to attack me. I try my remedies and everything that’s worked in the past minus the medication for my migraines which I was unable to get refilled. So I decided to take a walk along the main roads this morning thinking I could hear some form of life other than what we’ve been experiencing on the inside.

Each step I took, each car that passed helped me take in everything that’s going on today and is going on in this world. Each time a car passed I felt like it’s lifting or helping me move past another obstacle that I’ve been putting myself through. I’m hoping this walk will not only release the tension in my head but will also help me feel a little bit lighter.

As I make my way back home, well, actually not my home which is in Brooklyn where I really want to be, but to a home or to a place I’ve called home for the last few weeks. A place that is usually filled with many different family members, many different voices and many different activities, laughter and screams. However, now it’s just the same sounds. The same voices. The same life and that’s all okay because that’s what is keeping us safe. Being surrounded by some family not just my own has  been really helping each day pass.

Sometimes you just need to get away from it all even the ones you love and just take a moment for yourself especially when you feel yourself going in a direction you don’t want to take. It’s not like everything that’s going on with everyone else is less than what I’m feeling but this is just how I’m feeling right now and I needed to take that breath. You need to take that moment. As I feel myself getting closer to the location where I’ve been staying, I feel a little bit of tension still building up. What I felt I was leaving behind while I was walking away from the place is coming back and I don’t know why.

So I just kept walking and didn’t want to turn back. I got pretty far when I realized the nausea was kicking in from my migraine that’s been trying to attack me. It’s kind of embarrassing that I had to step off the side of the road to throw up a little. Thankfully it wasn’t on anyone’s property because I had no way of cleaning it up. At least it helped relieve some more strain on my head.

It was a long walk and I’m heading back now. There’s so much beauty so many blessings that surround us. But when you go through times like this even as short as it’s been, it clouds the views of the many beautiful blessings that are out there.

All I can do is try and clear my eyes and kind of get back to where I need to be. Just embrace all of this and continue doing what I’ve been doing. These are all just my emotions, my feelings. I’m not putting them on anyone. I’m not trying to say that mine are more important than yours. I’m just saying I need to get back to where I need to be. I should feel very blessed that I have a place that we can call home right now. Be with family we wanted to be with for so long. The kids have room to play and explore. They are able to experience growth with their cousins. Create bonds and grow together which doesn’t happen often.

I’m taking all of this in and focusing on the positive and all the good. But I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss my home, my Brooklyn, my neighborhood, my other family, my parents. Knowing that even though we’re 12 hours away it makes the biggest difference. Sometimes when you’re inside and you see the walls that are surrounding you it makes it easier knowing that those are your walls, your home that you built with your family.

I could see it in the kids face. We’ve had discussion times because things get really hard for them. Then they are fine just kids playing and enjoying their time again. Within a few moments I can see it again. In their face, the sadness. I could hear them and when they come to me and say how much longer will this be? When can we go back home? I miss our house. I miss our rooms. I feel a little more pain in my heart. I don’t know how much longer this will be but I try to always keep an open communication with my children let them understand we are all in this together. We’re not the only ones experiencing this. There are so many people around the world that are going through the same thing, if not worse. We have our health. We have a home, shelter and food. We just need to keep focusing on the positive. Know that as scary as it is, we are right where we are supposed to be until we aren’t.