Why do some mornings have to be so hard?
I don’t like waking up in the mornings. Heck, I get up before my alarm to check my clock only to see how much more time I have left to sleep. That drives me nuts. I wish I had cute little birds fly in and grab my clothing and help me dress as I make my way out the bedroom door. Feeling the soft breeze of their feathers flying happily all around me bringing me hope for a new day to begin.I smile as I make my way to the kids room and thank God for allowing me another day.
I wake the kids with little morning kisses and make my way downstairs to begin breakfast. I’m already preparing myself for the day that lies ahead. Kids come down and everything is going smoothly until that one sarcastic remark or the bickering over foolish reasons at the breakfast table begins. I’m thankful that the birds are not really circling around me singing their songs because I probably would have wacked them out of my way while trying to stay calm.
See my problem is I never learned a technique to calm myself and if I am in that moment and you are trying to calm me, that just aggravates the situation further and has the opposite effect of calming me. So, let’s just say I’m still learning to find “my zen.”
Now back to the morning, the explanations about who said what, and who started or who is really at fault begins. It goes on and on and my mood gets worse and worse. It’s no longer fun, happy and calm. It’s the discussions, possibly raised voices, and explanations of how we got here. When all I want to do is calm myself and tell them how much I love them and just solve it all but I can’t. As I am reaching in the opposite way that I would like, I see it all going down and although in the back of my mind, like way way back, I see the other scenario and how well it plays out, that’s not what is currently happening. Instead it’s like adding fuel to the fire. My raised voice and warnings, taking away electronics or anything I could think of at that moment.
Then after it all blows up and I step back in the kitchen to begin preparing their school lunch, my mind is still rolling. I need to step out of myself for a moment and just think about other ways to quiet the emotions that are surrounding us. I can feel another lesson coming out but at the same time hope the responses are good because I don’t want to start these feelings all over again.
I begin to talk about better ways we could say things. How we need to think about what we are going to say, how we say it and how it will affect the person we are saying it to. Did we need to say that even though we knew it would be hurtful? If we are just saying things because we know it will hurt someone then it shouldn’t be said at all.
We need to look around at all we have and all we are able to share. We are sitting at a table with food to nourish our body and we are doing it all in a home with family. A place of love and warmth no matter our moods.
Food is finished, dishes are put away and kids are getting dressed to head out the door. As we are walking my mind keeps going back to the morning events getting us here. How I should’ve responded? How can I let things get me so upset when all I want to do is hold them?
I look at the kids walking in front of me and my mind plays tricks on me. I see them as they are toddlers looking back at me smiling to make sure I’m still here. I hear their giggles and see their missing teeth smile and all I can do is smile.
How can these two kids in front of me be this tall? How are they 11 already? This is all happening too quickly and I don’t want to waste a single moment being mad. I feel like Giovanni felt what I was feeling because at that moment he turned around and said, “mommy, I’m sorry about this morning.” I just melted. Funny, he didn’t have anything to apologize for and yet he was the one that did.
He rushed ahead because he never wants to be late. While Isannah and I walked together in silence. That’s how it goes sometimes and that’s ok.
I wished them a wonderful day at school and went on my way home. This moment will affect everything I do up until I pick them up from school hoping for a redo.