07.01.2024

What can I say for the month of June? Each day was passing and getting me closer to my birthday. I had anxiety and waves of panic about turning 50. 

All the promises I made to myself for my 50th were falling apart and my promises were slowly crumbling. One was to lose the weight I gained quite easily during the peri days and with the lack of motivation nothing was falling into place. I felt like I let myself down and therefore let others down. 

I always put the most pressure on myself and that knocks me down even further. I never could shake that. It’s drilled into my thought process but I’m trying to get better. 

So let’s see, those who truly know me know that I don’t like surprise parties or having too much attention on me. I was the girl that never wanted to open gifts in front of anyone and didn’t like people singing happy birthday to me. I always felt bad about that because I know how much people want to sing and make you happy. In fact, I love doing that for others and hosting. It makes me feel good inside knowing I can bring joy and happiness to another person. I understand that joy so I feel horrible feeling the way I do about that. I haven’t changed even as I grow older each year that seems to stay the same. 

But I made a few dear friends this past school year and they treated me extra special leading up to my birthday. 

It all started with a PA appreciation dinner which was such a sweet gesture and treat. We got to have dinner out with the group that helped each other during the school year. It was a special thank you. We had many laughs and great conversations. Not to mention a creepy lady photographer making us pose in interesting ways all to sell us framed photos. Which of course was purchased as a memory of the 2023-2024 school year. 

During this wonderful dinner the lights would flash and loud birthday music would kick on. I was frantic and my cheeks felt warm until the staff walked to another table. I felt relieved but each time that happened I got a little nervous. The meal was almost over and all of the sudden the music kicked back on once more with the sounds of waiters singing coming in my direction. I couldn’t help but stare at the wall while turning beet red. They got me. This crew really got me. I know it was kind of them so I tried my best to go with it. They are a great group of women and I am lucky that I had them to share another year of middle school.

The emotions continued with the 7th grade BBQ celebration, followed by the last snack sale of the year, and saying good-bye to our 8th graders. I was humbled by the kind words I received by students with some asking permission to give me a hug. The words, “I will miss you” made me feel so appreciated. 

And just like that the last day of school was here. It was time to say good-bye to some amazing staff and 8th grade parents who will be moving on to a new school with their kids. 

At the same time realizing my 7th grade beautiful miracles will be entering 8th grade. It will be their final year at Twain all this happening on the day I turned 50. 

It’s been an emotional roller coaster. From highs to lows and everything in between. I feel as though we just started our tour for middle school and now we will be entering 8th. Very soon we will begin the high school process along with the stress that comes with it.   

I’m afraid to blink as so much will change when I reopen my eyes. 

And just like that, the school year ended and I turned 50. I guess it’s not as bad as I thought. As for the promises to myself, it can still happen.