Lately there has been so much pain in this world. We are surrounded by death, hate, heartbreak, uncertainty and fear. I can think of a few others but I will leave it here. The past few days have been especially hard. Losing someone you love dearly is devastating but losing a child, well, there are no words that can possibly describe that horrible pain.
We’ve been learning as each day passes how heavy this life is and how fragile. It leaves you to question why these things are happening? Why can an innocent child be taking away from her parents so suddenly? Why is this world so angry and hateful? Why do people still believe that COVID is a hoax or not as bad as it seems? Why, why, why? Where are the answers? How can we achieve them or make sense of anything that is going on? Where is God?
I always do my best to stay positive. I try to understand that if there was no evil we could never truly understand and appreciate the good. There always needs to be a comparison to balance things out but we all have experienced it before. Why do things have to continue to hurt?
Am I naive to think that love will conquer all? That if we all love each other the world can be better. If we can love thy neighbor as we love thy self, then this world will be a better place?
I want my kids to grow in a world of peace, love, hope, and faith. I want them to open their eyes to the beauty that surrounds them and take in all of the possibilities that are out there. Be strong, confident, healthy but be humble, kind and respectful. I want so much for my kids but am I shooting too high? At this point, is it even possible? So much doubt and so much fear turns in to anger and then hate.
Life is scary but can be beautiful. Sometimes it’s not about opening your eyes to see all the beauty that is out there. Sometimes you just need to close your eyes, breathe in and imagine all the beauty that you can see. With eyes closed you can see the beautiful memories you’ve made. You can even feel a touch, or smell that smell that brings you comfort. Although it’s hard, especially now, you need to search for that space that is good. Look for that glimmer of hope that’s been pushed way back in there and bring it to light.
After returning home from a funeral the other day, I felt like something blew out that tiny light that shines within me. My body felt heavy and my stomach began hurting. I felt nauseated and sick. I couldn’t shake that feeling but I knew what it was about. I also knew it was doing something to my heart. My heart has been broken and pieces have been breaking off little by little but I always manage to bandage it. I have so many cracks where the light shines through but there’s no way to close it tightly as it once was. But I keep going on knowing that somehow my heart will help someone else. Knowing that the care that pours out of me will help someone in need.
That night as I was washing dishes my daughter kept asking me to do ballet with her. I told her to wait until I was done cleaning. Not shortly after, she asked me again. It wasn’t until that moment that I remembered all that happened earlier, and just stopped what I was doing. I turned off the water, put the dishes down and said, “yes, let’s do ballet.” I looked at her and was so thankful that she was mine and she was standing in front of me just wanting me to share this time with her. I kept staring at her and I couldn’t stop. At one point she asked me, “why do you keep staring at me today?” I told her it’s because I love her so much and I hope she will always know that. Then I said, let’s do ballet. And we did.
I need to really think about how I react when the kids want to do something with me. It shouldn’t matter that the house is a mess and dishes are piling up. I need to just stop what I am doing and give them my time. They are small for just a little while and they are here now asking for me. I don’t know how long we have together or when things will just stop so I need to enjoy them every chance I get. Listen to the laughter and the giggles that fill the room. Those giggles are contagious. Be in that moment with them. The dishes can wait.