This is the first time I am lost for words. My head is about to explode and I can’t help to release as I usually do by writing. Each time I feel like I have so much to say, then I sit down with my pen and paper and I freeze. It’s making things so much harder.
What is going on? Maybe my mind is on overload and I keep jumping from emotion to another. When I have something on my mind and I’m about to release 15 more things pop in my head. I just keep feeling things with heaviness whether it’s happiness or anger, impatience or failure. They all are currently present. I know everyone feels a certain way sometimes as I do, and that’s okay but something is going on right now and I can’t shake it. It’s making me sick to my stomach, maybe because I’m angry. I feel really angry and that anger is turning into a lot of uncertainty, a lot of pain and tries to block any of the good and light I try to allow in.
My heart is aching and my chest hurts. I feel like the weight I’m carrying is too much to bear. I’ve experienced so much loss since March. I’ve seen the pain and the emptiness in my friend’s eyes and in the eyes of people I don’t even know. Why are so many more suffering right now? How can you take babies, children, mothers and fathers so quickly? How can we fill the huge void in our heart? I see my friends and I can’t imagine their hurt. I don’t want to even begin to imagine if I was in their shoes. How could I walk?
We almost lost our son that night he was born. Both my children are fighting in the NICU. They’re here now and I don’t ever want to go back to that place. Although my mind drifts there from time to time and I cry. Boy, do I cry. I see them now thriving, growing and laughing and it brings me back to today and allows me to soften and smile. Even now as I write I’m crying. My chest is closing in and that weight is there again. I want to scream but at what? Who can I scream at because screaming and abusing myself makes everything so much worse. How am I not completely broken?
In this lifetime, I’ve experienced abuse both verbally and physically from people I trusted and loved so much. I’ve experienced failure and a lot of it. Depression so badly I questioned my existence at scary levels. I’ve experienced self-doubt, hurt, and loss a lot of it.
But I also experienced miracles, love, compassion, encouragement and happiness. I witnessed life and dreams that came true. Does the latter help outweigh the bad? Can the beautiful memories I stored and reflect back on block the evil memories I try to push away?
There has to be a balance right? I look at my family and I try to take them in and hold them so close. I breathe them in hoping they are so close inside me that they can replace all the hurt that is there. I still feel belittled at times and it breaks me piece by piece. Why do I still let people have power over me? What am I doing wrong?
I am the best listener. I can problem solve and heal others with the advice I give, the love I share and my heart that is open to help others comes easily. When someone is hurting, I do my best to take away their pain and just sit there with them. Knowing having someone just be with you can make all the difference in their world. I love being that person especially to those I truly care about. It comes easily to me and just flows. Why can’t I do that for myself? Instead I allow the heaviness to stay and weigh me down. I genuinely care with all that I have and give all of me with no restrictions. I am empathetic. I’m here. Even with all the hate in this world and the ugliness that is shown to us on a daily basis I still want to believe.
I still want to show my kids what good is. What life can be. I want them to know this world is beautiful and I want them to dream and never stop believing in themselves and this life.
I want them to be humble and kind. To know their life makes a difference and they were gifted this life for a reason. I don’t ever want them to feel unloved or unimportant in any way.
I’m ready to allow healing. I’m ready to take another step forward. I have to. There’s so much I want to experience with my kids. I want to stare into their eyes and see all the wonders of this life as they do. I want them to always feel my love even when I lose my temper or I become impatient. I want them to always know that I’ll never stop loving them. I wish they could look through my eyes and see how beautiful, amazing and how proud I am of them. I want them to carry that feeling everyday of their lives no matter what happens in their life or what journey they are on. They can always take those with them.
When I am no longer here they will always remember they are the best miracles of my life.