Find your glue

Where to even begin? My fingers are becoming weak just thinking of all the emotions I have bottled up and need to type down on this blank canvas. All I can do is type my thoughts as I feel them and hope they make sense or even allow you to see inside my heart. 

I know this time is difficult for all of us. We are all feeling and reacting differently to what’s been going on in the world today. What I can say is fear is the biggest part that is being played. When fear becomes involved things and reactions are dealt with differently than what it would be on an average day. And that’s ok. You have every right to be feeling what you are feeling. That is your heart. 

For me being a parent during this time has my shell of a body cracking slowly around me. I’m doing my best to keep those cracks from fully opening in fear that once my shell shatters it will become hard to glue those pieces together. I can’t let that happen. The glue that usually seals those spaces are the little giggles I hear from my children. A kind gesture along the way. A hug from my mom. Holding the people I love dearly in my arms. Tiny blessings that surround me. The touch of someone you love. Your child’s expression when they feel a sense of accomplishment knowing they did something they set out to do. There are many little things that seal my cracks to keep me whole. Sadly, with all that is going on around us some of those things aren’t easily achieved. The light begins to shine through the cracks and that scares me. 

I try taking deeper breaths more frequently but that just makes me feel sick. 

I’m afraid. Yes, that’s it. I’m afraid of failing my children. I am worried that I won’t be able to provide all they need. I’m afraid that not having “me” time somehow will cause my judgement or emotions to shift. Shift in a more irritable manner. I don’t want to get upset easier. I don’t want to react with anger. I want to keep showing them no matter what difficulties come our way that we can make it all work. How do I do that when I’m fighting with that same thing within me?

Right now I am sitting outside in what little sun we have listening to the sounds of nature and my kids playing in the background and that softens me. It allows me to take my next step. This is it. Me trying to put into motion what I am feeling to help seal some more cracks and lift a little of the weight that I’m carrying. 

Now here’s a little craziness in my head for you. I look at the kids having fun in the backyard and all I can do is think, please God do not let them get hurt. Please allow them to have all the fun they can enjoy without injury. I want to continue to hear the laughter, the giggles, the silliness and the screams but I don’t want to hear them cry from falling or hurting. I keep repeating silently, please don’t get hurt. Please don’t get hurt. We can’t go to the hospital. We can’t go to the doctor’s. We’ve been working so hard staying quarantined. This can’t be the thing that makes it all worse. I’m not only thinking that when we are all outside playing. It’s all the time. In the house when they are doing their normal activities. Just running or climbing to get things makes me repeat those words. 

What’s even crazier is I say that to myself as well. As I am doing my daily activities or if I am trying to exercise. If I am running with the dog or even just cooking, I keep thinking, please don’t get hurt. I can’t slip. It’s a fear that’s very present in my head now. All this because of fear. Fear that we won’t be able to get the services they need because of COVID-19 or the fact that we will bring COVID-19 into our home. We are all worried but the worry has been intensified because of my daughters past respiratory issues. 

Seeing things so differently now. You use to feel so much stronger and secure of your knowledge to protect your child, kissing those booboos away didn’t seem so hard but now it seems those things could get worse fast and you become in a more aggressive protected mode. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I know I am feeling more sensitive to possible injuries. 

All I can do is what I’ve always done before COVID-19. Make sure both my kids know just how much I love them. How much they are loved and continue to support them. Make sure they know they are safe and we will continue to do our best to protect them but to also understand what is going on and be honest with them. Have the door of communication open so they feel safe to come to us. Help them explore outlets. 

I gave both my children a journal so they can write down how they are feeling. How the change in routine is affecting them? Do they understand why we are in quarantine? So many questions for little minds to explore. 

We will continue to all learn and understand together. This is new to us all. Let’s remember to soften our shell but keep the glue close by just in case. Hold on to the love that fills us even on days where we don’t feel it’s there. Dig deep and you will see all those memories that found their way into your heart and use that to help. In those spaces that is where love lives. 

I know we can all do it. I know we can all get through this. We have to. 

COVID-19 Emotions, Fears, Life

There are so many emotions out there and no place to actual put them. Different things are being said by different individuals. Media is blowing up and emotions are running wild about COVID-19. 

As a parent, you want to do all you can to protect your children. Even though you may not know what that is, you do your best to go with what you are feeling inside. 

What you are feeling may be different from what your partner is feeling. You try desperately to agree for your children but that doesn’t always come easy. The one thing you do agree on is the well being and safety of your children. Days become tough but so is all that is going on in the world around us. 

When fear overcomes ration things can turn ugly and in most cases they do. What do you need to do to bring you back to where you were? Now let’s rewind a bit.

Several days ago my husband decided to keep our children out of school. I was not happy with the decision and reluctantly went along with it. I felt the kids would be missing special and important activities in school. I knew they worked really hard on plays and projects. Things were happening that I didn’t want them to miss out on. It was becoming harder to protest when you were seeing all that was happening around the world getting closer to where you live. 

We decided to have a grown up discussion with our children. Although it was hard for them at first, they realized we want what’s best for them and with our daughters respiratory issues in the past we thought it was best to keep them home. 

That decision was difficult for me with of all the obligations I had lined up. I knew that keeping them home meant keeping me from fulfilling my duties at their school. I’m not good with pulling away from my commitments and letting people down. In fact, I strive to do what is best and helpful to others. That being said, what was helpful was keeping myself risk free for my children. 

Several parents had their own opinions about what I was doing and that was ok. I realized it wasn’t about them or what others thought, it is about me and my family.

We had a good support system and are blessed with amazing teachers too. Teachers who checked in and responded to emails. They helped send assignments along the way. At one point, a teacher even spoke to my daughter. It was a beautiful thing. The kids felt happier knowing they were still a part of the school activities in some way. It felt right and everything was falling in to place, at least in my mind.

Now for all those going back and forth with the decision to know what is right, just listen to your gut. What your heart is telling you to do. Do it. Only you will truly know what is best for your family. 

Remember what is going on around you. It’s not just targeting older people. It’s targeting everyone. No matter religion. No matter race. It is a virus that everyone will and can get unless they are distancing themselves. Staying vigilant and be safe.

International Women’s Day!

Today is International Women’s Day. Today is the day women are celebrated around the world. One thing is, I celebrate the women in my life every day. I grew up with some pretty amazing women. One and foremost being my mom. Her love, dedication, determination and loyalty to our family goes beyond all measures. She is a woman of strength, heart and love. No matter the situation or the fear she feels she did her best to always show her strength to reassure us that we are all ok.

As a child growing up, I could see her heart by looking in her eyes and still do. Maybe at times, I didn’t fully understand her beauty and perhaps at times, I didn’t show the respect she deserved but she always lifted me up and always held me tight no matter what I was doing in life, to her directly or indirectly. She was my mom. She was a superwoman to me. She was bigger than life. Little did I know that this woman would not only continue to be my hero but she is also my best friend. I can still see the love just by looking in her eyes. The only thing now her eyes show many emotions. They show the years that passed. The scares of heartache and loss. The fear of a husband in and out of the hospital. The marks of life are defined greatly but through it all her eyes show the beauty and love looking right back at you.

Today I celebrate her. Today I celebrate all the women that touched my life. From family, teachers and friends.

I was blessed and giving a second mom, my mother-in-law, who shows love has no boundaries or conditions. She embraces all that is given to her good or bad and allows her heart to take over and spill all that heart onto all of us. She gives direction and a helping hand to get us where we need to be.

The women teachers I remember as a child that touched me, I take them with me in interactions I have or situations I am in. Teachers that are now teaching my children which I’ve grown to love.

Friends that mean the world to me and have found a place in my heart as family. We all have beautiful memories that carry us each day through the path of life, scary at times, but we take them with us. I’m celebrating all of you! In a world where there is growing fear and hate. Choose to celebrate the love, admiration, kindness, and heart that we have all been shown and send it out in the world.

Hoping that I am a woman that touched someone that will help them along their journey.