Where to even begin? My fingers are becoming weak just thinking of all the emotions I have bottled up and need to type down on this blank canvas. All I can do is type my thoughts as I feel them and hope they make sense or even allow you to see inside my heart.
I know this time is difficult for all of us. We are all feeling and reacting differently to what’s been going on in the world today. What I can say is fear is the biggest part that is being played. When fear becomes involved things and reactions are dealt with differently than what it would be on an average day. And that’s ok. You have every right to be feeling what you are feeling. That is your heart.
For me being a parent during this time has my shell of a body cracking slowly around me. I’m doing my best to keep those cracks from fully opening in fear that once my shell shatters it will become hard to glue those pieces together. I can’t let that happen. The glue that usually seals those spaces are the little giggles I hear from my children. A kind gesture along the way. A hug from my mom. Holding the people I love dearly in my arms. Tiny blessings that surround me. The touch of someone you love. Your child’s expression when they feel a sense of accomplishment knowing they did something they set out to do. There are many little things that seal my cracks to keep me whole. Sadly, with all that is going on around us some of those things aren’t easily achieved. The light begins to shine through the cracks and that scares me.
I try taking deeper breaths more frequently but that just makes me feel sick.
I’m afraid. Yes, that’s it. I’m afraid of failing my children. I am worried that I won’t be able to provide all they need. I’m afraid that not having “me” time somehow will cause my judgement or emotions to shift. Shift in a more irritable manner. I don’t want to get upset easier. I don’t want to react with anger. I want to keep showing them no matter what difficulties come our way that we can make it all work. How do I do that when I’m fighting with that same thing within me?
Right now I am sitting outside in what little sun we have listening to the sounds of nature and my kids playing in the background and that softens me. It allows me to take my next step. This is it. Me trying to put into motion what I am feeling to help seal some more cracks and lift a little of the weight that I’m carrying.
Now here’s a little craziness in my head for you. I look at the kids having fun in the backyard and all I can do is think, please God do not let them get hurt. Please allow them to have all the fun they can enjoy without injury. I want to continue to hear the laughter, the giggles, the silliness and the screams but I don’t want to hear them cry from falling or hurting. I keep repeating silently, please don’t get hurt. Please don’t get hurt. We can’t go to the hospital. We can’t go to the doctor’s. We’ve been working so hard staying quarantined. This can’t be the thing that makes it all worse. I’m not only thinking that when we are all outside playing. It’s all the time. In the house when they are doing their normal activities. Just running or climbing to get things makes me repeat those words.
What’s even crazier is I say that to myself as well. As I am doing my daily activities or if I am trying to exercise. If I am running with the dog or even just cooking, I keep thinking, please don’t get hurt. I can’t slip. It’s a fear that’s very present in my head now. All this because of fear. Fear that we won’t be able to get the services they need because of COVID-19 or the fact that we will bring COVID-19 into our home. We are all worried but the worry has been intensified because of my daughters past respiratory issues.
Seeing things so differently now. You use to feel so much stronger and secure of your knowledge to protect your child, kissing those booboos away didn’t seem so hard but now it seems those things could get worse fast and you become in a more aggressive protected mode. I’m not sure if that makes sense but I know I am feeling more sensitive to possible injuries.
All I can do is what I’ve always done before COVID-19. Make sure both my kids know just how much I love them. How much they are loved and continue to support them. Make sure they know they are safe and we will continue to do our best to protect them but to also understand what is going on and be honest with them. Have the door of communication open so they feel safe to come to us. Help them explore outlets.
I gave both my children a journal so they can write down how they are feeling. How the change in routine is affecting them? Do they understand why we are in quarantine? So many questions for little minds to explore.
We will continue to all learn and understand together. This is new to us all. Let’s remember to soften our shell but keep the glue close by just in case. Hold on to the love that fills us even on days where we don’t feel it’s there. Dig deep and you will see all those memories that found their way into your heart and use that to help. In those spaces that is where love lives.
I know we can all do it. I know we can all get through this. We have to.