Is it ever enough?

When you feel you are doing all that you can but it’s still not right or enough. When the cracks in your heart that have been working so hard to mend are pulling apart and your chest feels a little heavier. The heaviness makes it just a little harder to breathe and forces your eyes to burn with tears that you are forcing to control.

How do you change that feeling? How can you make it hurt a little less or learn to accept what you are feeling and move past?

It’s questions like these that cause many to struggle. I know just how real that struggle is. Some will get where they need to be and jump that horrific hurdle. Others will reach it and not have the strength to jump over it so they pull back and retreat in that shell. They go backwards in a downward spiral that makes it greater to ever get back to where they need to be in order to make that jump. Words and kindness from family and friends may soften the feelings for that time but the weight is too heavy to endure and the thoughts in your head take over the words of love and support. It’s a horrible spiral.

Each pain is individual. Yes, some feel the same but no one can ever truly feel the pain within you. Each is tailored to your body’s reaction.

Its days like this that you need to remember more than just that. Look around you as hard as it may be to see outside of what is inside. Whether it’s the beautiful miracles you have and the smiles on their faces each time they see you. Or it’s that one friend that looks at you and their eyes confirm your sadness and it allows you to soften just a little. Whether it’s that song that can take you to a place in time when you were happier than you are feeling at this moment. Each thing as tiny as it seems will try and fill each crack. It takes time and a lot of it but time is what we have right now. Jump that hurdle as hard and how high as it seems to you. Let that weight lift so it’s a little harder to pull you so far down. Reach for that hand. Look above you. Not at the person trying to help in front of you but keep looking higher much higher to the one that is trying to carry you.

I’m sorry for that sadness.

The ER

Today I was surrounded by many emotions. It is always difficult being in the emergency room. Even though you are not the one on the stretcher your heart is always sinking and your fear grows stronger with each passing hour. Your mind begins to wonder and the questions become more frequently. You can’t stop but fear the worst but at the same time be the positive voice for all that surrounds you. The things you witness can crush you or make you stronger.

You see people come in with their loved ones at the same time as you and you keep an eye on them in the hopes that what ever brought them in can be repaired and you can watch them leave. You give your comforting smiles and show of hope so they know they are not alone. It’s a scary time for all but for the patients on the beds it’s a scary kind of fear.

We were on our 6th hour in the ER when the horrible screams from three curtains away began to cut through all our hearts. The screams of pain, loss of faith and loss of hope that this would pass was felt through the entire unit. One woman dropped while others tried to lift her and console while all crying themselves. The words mama, mama NO were chilling and the sound of life you heard through the monitor turn into silence of life taken was heart breaking. The staff moved quickly but no matter how much they could help the fact that their mother was gone was final. The unit from that moment on was different. I looked away from the person sitting in front of me for a while because I couldn’t face her. Thoughts came to mind and it was killing me. I knew that I would NEVER be ready for a moment like that. I couldn’t look away any longer so I looked right in front of me to the most amazing woman I have ever seen, my mom. Tears filling her eyes as mine and we just stared. It was a chilling moment. I just looked at my mom and couldn’t NO I wouldn’t imagine a day without her. It really was a moment of no words only tears, feelings and sadness.

At that moment, I looked at my sister who was also lying on the bed with a look of fear and sadness. When something like that happens as you lay on the bed curtains away your emotions are turned up. You just want to get out of there. It’s times like these when your faith is tested. We can only be as strong as our heart allows.

Today, all day, was a difficult one and although we are back home there is more to come. For right now, I am thankful for the strength we had that brought us home. I am thankful for the family and friends that were with us in spirit along the way.

I watched life begin and life taken away all in a day. I saw family pull together and embrace each other to prepare for the journey ahead.

We are all tested in our own ways. It’s not what gets us down that will matter. It is what will bring us back to our feet that will make us stronger and help us walk further.

Although I can not erase those screams and that moment from my memory I can try to remember the moment that I looked in to your eyes and knew you were still here right in front of me and that will last me longer than those screams.

Holiday moods creeping up

The holidays are coming and your mind tends to drift away. You reminisce about the years before. You think back at times when your home was fuller and the laughs seemed louder. Then you come back to where you are today and feel a little less full. Amazing people in your life are gone and seats are empty. That’s when the warm tears fill your eyes and roll down your cheeks. It gets harder to breathe and your chest begins to hurt. You want to cry louder but you hold back. Look out the window to feel some comfort but instead there’s darkness. The rain is falling and it’s like the world is crying too. Still you try to stay strong. Bring back those wonderful sounds of the holidays. Bring back the appreciation of the family and friends you still have around you. Stay strong for the little ones that still have hope shining through their eyes. The life that beams from their bodies and you pull it together and smile again.

Life happens. We lose people that mean so much to us and in the process sometimes lose ourselves. This is when you need to get stronger or reach out to those amazing souls in your life or just look up. The answers are not easy and sometimes the questions are never answered at the moment you need them to be but in time they will.

For now we have to continue to live our best life. Continue to appreciate all the things that surround us and hold on to the memories that keep us smiling. Life is just that LIFE. We are alive so we live until we are not here anymore and then others continue to live and life goes on.

 

I know I will have days that are heavy and sad but then I know I will also have days that will take my breath away. I’ll hold on to those and you should too.

 

The Funk

Sometimes a feeling takes over you and you feel something inside you that leaves you paralyzed. You don’t know what it is or where it came from but you feel motionless and a warm wave of sadness starts within you and spreads throughout your body. You try to fight it but the feeling is so strong. It’s like a tug of war from the inside out until you realize you can’t win. You drop your shoulders from the weight and give up. You feel your head drop and eyes fill with tears. It’s not until the first tear drop falls that you see yourself drifting. Slowly drifting but you can’t stop it and realize you don’t even want to try so you don’t. From that moment on it gets harder and harder to pull yourself out of “the funk.”

Let me explain what “the funk” means to me. It’s a little less than depression but in the direction of depression. It’s where it hurts to smile even though you want to. It’s a weight that pushes you under water. Even though you kick and lift your head to keep above water there’s an invisible weight that holds your head steady down and you feel like you are drowning and the heaviness makes your body limp. This feeling carries on for days. You don’t let others know what’s happening. You do your best to stay positive outside so that others don’t see the sadness you are feeling inside. You smile and make sure all those around you are happy, comfortable and well but that only makes you feel more tired. You’re exhausted but you can’t let anyone in. You just can’t until one day something happens. He looks at you in a certain way that brings light into your darkness or you hear a laughter from one of your children that tries to break your trace or your best friend from far away calls out of the blue and knows something is going on. That’s when the wall “the funk” finally crumbles down and you are able to breathe again. You breathe and it no longer hurts. Your body feels light again and not achy. The smile comes to the surface from deep down within and your whole body smiles. Your life is your own again…until the next funk but until then you do your best to enjoy your life and all the blessings you are surrounded by.

That is my funk. It just happens but I know it will go away. I always hope it does.

 

Make it count

You wake up and take your first thank you breath and at that moment, you have to decide if it’s going to be a good day. No matter what you are going through or the craziness you know you are surrounded by, you need to make that decision. Try really hard to just think of all the good in your life. Think about the beautiful memories you’ve created. Think about the person that makes you smile and just remind yourself you made it to another day. After you thought about all that, get on your feet and begin this day as a gift. Make it count. You may be the face that person needs to bring a smile to their face. The hope they needed to see today. Make it count.
The kindness that you have inside you spread it around. Let it infect others so that it keeps going. Today is a gift. Make sure to share it with others.

Today brings change

Today brings many changes. From the calm wind blowing more cool air than days previous to the mentions of First Grade for our new adventure. There are many things in between that are in my heart. A lot of acceptance and faith that what lies ahead was always meant to be. It’s a day of decisions being made and the hope that keeps us afloat.

We are given each day as a gift. A day better than the last no matter the difficulties we feel or the mountains we must climb. It is still a gift we didn’t need to receive and now have to enjoy the love of family and friends. The life that is bursting around us to enjoy and take in. It’s with an open heart and mind to help us see things more clearer. Sometimes it’s easier to let fear take control but you are stronger to see above that and move forward. That is when you can see the world and the life you have before you with a clear view. Today may be your day. Enjoy it. Appreciate it. Love it. Make it what you want it to be.

When you put the most pressure on yourself

I was feeling a little overwhelmed and this is when I’m the hardest on myself. It’s when I begin remembering all the times I lost patience and got more upset than I wanted to. Remembering how easily I got upset this morning while I was trying to get the kids fed, cleaned, and ready to head out the door. I was making breakfast and then lunch and the time was passing and the kids were moving so SLOWLY and I knew I still had so much more to do. At that point, I should’ve pulled away from the situation and just taken a moment to let whatever was boiling inside me disappear but I didn’t. I raised my voice and began to rush the kids and myself. I didn’t like that feeling but didn’t realize it until I dropped them off. Once we got out of the house everything seemed fine. We were talking nicely. There was giggling and everything was as if my temper was not raised or my patience not short. This only made me feel worse.

I decided I needed to go somewhere I would be surrounded by small children and their moms, dads and family. I needed to take myself away from the abuse I was mentally giving myself. Basically remove myself from my harsh thoughts of the mistake I made this morning.

I went to the park. I sat on a bench alone and listened to the children play and the conversations that were taking place. I heard moms yelling at their kids. I heard moms loving their children but also heard the frustration in their voices. I heard some losing their cool and yelling. This is when my clinched tight body began to loosen. It was a reminder that not everyone is perfect and sometimes we just lose our patience. It helped bring me down to a place of comfort, appreciation and love. I was able to let the abuse rest and remember all the amazing times that I didn’t get upset. I remembered all the giggles and laughter I shared with G and I. I remembered all the sweet times and even the not so sweet times but they were our times and we made it work together.

The walk…loss

No matter where you are when you start walking thoughts come to mind. Your walk is filled with family, sadness, love and just emotions. The more you walk the more your feelings are present. Weeks and weeks of heaviness falling down on you, on your chest, shoulders, and head knocking you to your knees and keeping you down. The weight feels unbearable. At times I feel like I can’t breathe and at other times I’m so scared.

Then I hear something in the distance. Life is happening all around me. Laughter is filling the air with giggles that sound so familiar. It’s hard to smile when you have sadness, confusion and are in some form of shock but then you do because those giggles are coming from your children. Two amazingly sweet little people that are living with love in their hearts and that see kindness all around.

You want to be angry because you feel the loss so great. You see the pain so expressed on the face of family and it makes you even sadder. You want to take it all in. Somehow take it away but you know you can’t and that upsets you more. You begin to question why? Why do we have to be reminded of how horrible it can be to truly appreciate all that is good? We appreciate it all already. Why take that away from us? So many questions but never enough answers. It seems as though the answers are never present when you need them most only in time will the answers be present. In time, we will understand.

One step at a time, one breath, one heartbeat, just faith. Life doesn’t stop living because you are sad. It keeps moving at the same pace all we can do is move along with it. Create our own pace until we are able to catch up.

Losing loved ones

Hearts are breaking and tears are flowing. The loss is present and we are surrounded by sadness of family and friends who left this life too soon. These past couple of months seems to have many I love in pain. From my families loss to friends who continue to lose someone truly close. I want to extend my deepest sympathies to all those who are suffering. Who continue to try and understand why they are gone. There’s never a good answer or time but all we can do is believe that God is doing what he needs to do.

We can hold on to the memories that we so beautifully shared with those lost. Each day gets better or so they say. All we can do is live each day surrounded by love of family and friends and live each day helping each other. Stay safe and remember there is always someone who loves your smile so even though it’s hard be sure to show it.

Loss and life

Today is a day of many emotions. A year ago today I lost a beautiful friend. A kind, full of life, gracious, strong, amazingly special in all ways to a continuous on and off battle of cancer. She brought so much love and joy to all those who knew her and every day she is thought about and missed. I know she is a beautiful angel care and pain free watching us and smiling that amazing smile. I can still hear that wondrous laugh. It truly was one of a kind. Today as I remember her and smile through sadness for a loss so great. I remember the amazing times we shared together. I am also reminded that life continues no matter the pain, the loss and the confusion.

This morning as I was helping Giovanni and Isannah with their character day costumes for school I saw the beauty that is life in their smiles and the innocence that shines from these two little bodies. Seeing that was able to lift me and give me the smile I needed to continue my day. I watched them in class as they each got ready to begin their school day. I saw and heard the smiles and laughter filling their classrooms. This was life. This was light and the start of new beginnings.
Before leaving I peaked once more in each classroom to remind myself that life is always continuing. May today remind you that you are alive no matter your situation and that you have another day to enjoy all that you can. We are surrounded by beauty even in the tiniest of views.