What are you carrying?

I’m sitting on my stood thinking about the many memories that lead me to where I am now. Contemplating on life the way it was and how it is today. I feel like I’ve lived worlds within worlds. If that even makes sense.

Sometimes I get confused and my memories are clouded. I wonder with all that I went through as a child and what I continued to go through in each stage of my life brought me here.

Sometimes I remember things differently then what really happened. Is it because I’ve blocked some memories out of my mind or put them away so they wouldn’t hurt so much? Maybe it was to help me become stronger and prepare me for what is going on in my life today. 

When memories come to surface in full force they can be very scary and make you pull back into a shell you worked so hard to come out of.

We find ways to deal with different emotions. Even though you are unaware of what is happening to those emotions your mind does. Now comes the tricky part, when those memories resurface it is attached to feelings you weren’t able to fully feel because your mind found a way to hide them.  At that moment you are caught off guard. You ask yourself if you are strong enough now to deal with it. After all, you are older and wiser. You have gone through lifetimes and are still standing. So why does it still hurt? Why does your mind play tricks on you?

I have to stop for a moment and pull back. Think about all that has passed and what is right in front of me.

I’m a mom of two amazing kids. I have a family and a home.

There are some eye-opening kids books that I have read with my family. One particular one comes to mind. It is about an invisible bucket we all have. When that invisible bucket is full, we feel great. When it’s empty we are sad. If you do something to fill a person’s bucket you are both happy. It’s a beautiful book with a wonderful message to help kids be kind to one another. Help when it’s needed and to understand feelings not only their own but others as well.

As you grow, you feel the weight of that bucket on you in a different way. The weight you are carrying around is the pain of others that you collected to help them feel better. Combined with the hurt you are carrying makes it so heavy it brings you to your knees. This is when God takes that weight and helps you move again. Sometimes you don’t realize just how much you are carrying until it’s too late. You don’t realize that you have tucked away some really heavy things that you were afraid to carry without even knowing it was breaking pieces and making holes inside of you. It’s like your inside is struggling with the outside. You form protective barriers but what’s already inside continues to grow making it harder to heal. The barrier doesn’t allow others to get close or try to help. It’s a never-ending battle you are losing. The only way to stop the cycle is to understand it is there. Confront those feelings that have been tucked away. Let others in even though you are afraid of getting hurt again. You need to trust in yourself that you are where you need to be and that you are amazing. You need to know that only you are the person you are and there is no one more suited for your heart, you body and your soul then you. You are your own protected shell. We break. We crumble. We pick up the pieces and start bandaging the pieces back together. Some pieces will no longer fit together as it did before. You may see some light shining through those spaces but that’s ok. You are allowing the light to shine through you. That light will help lighten the load and help you bring light to the darkness you experience at times.

We are never completely healed and we will feel hurt sometimes like no other but we are here. We have the gift of life. There are no exchanges or returns. We just need to know how to see the beauty that surrounds us including the beauty inside of you. When you look into the mirror the reflection you see is your gift. Smile you will receive the most perfect smile in return.

Sometimes…

Sometimes you just need to smile through it all to make sure your children don’t see the fear or sadness. Sometimes you smile even when you are hurting because you want to always make those you love smile too. Sometimes it seems like you have it all together but you are holding on to a thin rope that feels like it will break at any moment. Sometimes you try so much for so many and can’t see that you are only good to them when they are receiving something they need from you. The calls stop for a while until something is needed and then you hear a hello. 

Sometimes you just want people to know you are tired not only physically but mentally too. Sometimes people see riches and material rather than your struggle and dedication to get what you’ve work so hard for. The riches I have is not money it’s the children I am blessed with. The husband that loves all of me. Not when it’s convenient for him or when I look the prettiest. He loves me and all my faults which are many. I’m rich in the life I live through faith, love, hope, honesty and being humble. I am rich for the family that reaches out to me just to say hello. For my friends that no matter the distance or days that go by I know they will always be there for me.

I am blessed that no matter what I do or the failure I feel I’ve done, God will never give up on me and for that I am rich.  

Goodbyes are hard

Sometimes it’s just unbearable to say goodbye even when you know it’s the right thing to do. There’s a pain that fills not only your heart, which is already breaking, but also your body and causes an ache in your soul. You feel it. It’s there. You know the time is coming but the closer it draws near the harder it becomes. You know it’s the right thing to do. You know it will help someone feel better and no longer feel pain but the burning pain inside isn’t going away. Do you continue to be selfish because it makes you feel better or do you say goodbye so there’s no more pain on the other side? 
The thing is love is stronger than you can imagine. Love is what will always grow. The memories you shared through love every step of the way will help you be stronger than you think you are. Sometimes saying goodbye will always be hard.

Don’t stop writing

Every morning you wake is a continued page to a story you have been writing. Sometimes a new chapter begins. Sometimes you are adding to a chapter you are trying to end. Whatever your story, it is yours alone to freely write as you choose. In each book things at times are forced without your permission, which forces your story to move in a different direction. Don’t stop writing. Keep moving as difficult as it may seem at the time. You just move that pen and see where it takes you.

Don’t ever let hurt, pain and confusion force you to put down that pen. You may want to stop for a moment just to be but then you raise that pen once again and keep writing. Others may help you lift that pen if you are feeling to weak so you can continue your journey and that’s ok as long as you keep writing.

Each one of us is creating our own book. It will be colorful yet dark. It will be light at times and then too heavy that it literally takes your breath away. At times, it will feel like you are floating on the letters of love. Experience it all and allow the pages to turn. One day when you are gone that book will tell your story and your life will move through all those you’ve touched.

Is it ever enough?

When you feel you are doing all that you can but it’s still not right or enough. When the cracks in your heart that have been working so hard to mend are pulling apart and your chest feels a little heavier. The heaviness makes it just a little harder to breathe and forces your eyes to burn with tears that you are forcing to control.

How do you change that feeling? How can you make it hurt a little less or learn to accept what you are feeling and move past?

It’s questions like these that cause many to struggle. I know just how real that struggle is. Some will get where they need to be and jump that horrific hurdle. Others will reach it and not have the strength to jump over it so they pull back and retreat in that shell. They go backwards in a downward spiral that makes it greater to ever get back to where they need to be in order to make that jump. Words and kindness from family and friends may soften the feelings for that time but the weight is too heavy to endure and the thoughts in your head take over the words of love and support. It’s a horrible spiral.

Each pain is individual. Yes, some feel the same but no one can ever truly feel the pain within you. Each is tailored to your body’s reaction.

Its days like this that you need to remember more than just that. Look around you as hard as it may be to see outside of what is inside. Whether it’s the beautiful miracles you have and the smiles on their faces each time they see you. Or it’s that one friend that looks at you and their eyes confirm your sadness and it allows you to soften just a little. Whether it’s that song that can take you to a place in time when you were happier than you are feeling at this moment. Each thing as tiny as it seems will try and fill each crack. It takes time and a lot of it but time is what we have right now. Jump that hurdle as hard and how high as it seems to you. Let that weight lift so it’s a little harder to pull you so far down. Reach for that hand. Look above you. Not at the person trying to help in front of you but keep looking higher much higher to the one that is trying to carry you.

I’m sorry for that sadness.

The ER

Today I was surrounded by many emotions. It is always difficult being in the emergency room. Even though you are not the one on the stretcher your heart is always sinking and your fear grows stronger with each passing hour. Your mind begins to wonder and the questions become more frequently. You can’t stop but fear the worst but at the same time be the positive voice for all that surrounds you. The things you witness can crush you or make you stronger.

You see people come in with their loved ones at the same time as you and you keep an eye on them in the hopes that what ever brought them in can be repaired and you can watch them leave. You give your comforting smiles and show of hope so they know they are not alone. It’s a scary time for all but for the patients on the beds it’s a scary kind of fear.

We were on our 6th hour in the ER when the horrible screams from three curtains away began to cut through all our hearts. The screams of pain, loss of faith and loss of hope that this would pass was felt through the entire unit. One woman dropped while others tried to lift her and console while all crying themselves. The words mama, mama NO were chilling and the sound of life you heard through the monitor turn into silence of life taken was heart breaking. The staff moved quickly but no matter how much they could help the fact that their mother was gone was final. The unit from that moment on was different. I looked away from the person sitting in front of me for a while because I couldn’t face her. Thoughts came to mind and it was killing me. I knew that I would NEVER be ready for a moment like that. I couldn’t look away any longer so I looked right in front of me to the most amazing woman I have ever seen, my mom. Tears filling her eyes as mine and we just stared. It was a chilling moment. I just looked at my mom and couldn’t NO I wouldn’t imagine a day without her. It really was a moment of no words only tears, feelings and sadness.

At that moment, I looked at my sister who was also lying on the bed with a look of fear and sadness. When something like that happens as you lay on the bed curtains away your emotions are turned up. You just want to get out of there. It’s times like these when your faith is tested. We can only be as strong as our heart allows.

Today, all day, was a difficult one and although we are back home there is more to come. For right now, I am thankful for the strength we had that brought us home. I am thankful for the family and friends that were with us in spirit along the way.

I watched life begin and life taken away all in a day. I saw family pull together and embrace each other to prepare for the journey ahead.

We are all tested in our own ways. It’s not what gets us down that will matter. It is what will bring us back to our feet that will make us stronger and help us walk further.

Although I can not erase those screams and that moment from my memory I can try to remember the moment that I looked in to your eyes and knew you were still here right in front of me and that will last me longer than those screams.

Holiday moods creeping up

The holidays are coming and your mind tends to drift away. You reminisce about the years before. You think back at times when your home was fuller and the laughs seemed louder. Then you come back to where you are today and feel a little less full. Amazing people in your life are gone and seats are empty. That’s when the warm tears fill your eyes and roll down your cheeks. It gets harder to breathe and your chest begins to hurt. You want to cry louder but you hold back. Look out the window to feel some comfort but instead there’s darkness. The rain is falling and it’s like the world is crying too. Still you try to stay strong. Bring back those wonderful sounds of the holidays. Bring back the appreciation of the family and friends you still have around you. Stay strong for the little ones that still have hope shining through their eyes. The life that beams from their bodies and you pull it together and smile again.

Life happens. We lose people that mean so much to us and in the process sometimes lose ourselves. This is when you need to get stronger or reach out to those amazing souls in your life or just look up. The answers are not easy and sometimes the questions are never answered at the moment you need them to be but in time they will.

For now we have to continue to live our best life. Continue to appreciate all the things that surround us and hold on to the memories that keep us smiling. Life is just that LIFE. We are alive so we live until we are not here anymore and then others continue to live and life goes on.

 

I know I will have days that are heavy and sad but then I know I will also have days that will take my breath away. I’ll hold on to those and you should too.

 

The Funk

Sometimes a feeling takes over you and you feel something inside you that leaves you paralyzed. You don’t know what it is or where it came from but you feel motionless and a warm wave of sadness starts within you and spreads throughout your body. You try to fight it but the feeling is so strong. It’s like a tug of war from the inside out until you realize you can’t win. You drop your shoulders from the weight and give up. You feel your head drop and eyes fill with tears. It’s not until the first tear drop falls that you see yourself drifting. Slowly drifting but you can’t stop it and realize you don’t even want to try so you don’t. From that moment on it gets harder and harder to pull yourself out of “the funk.”

Let me explain what “the funk” means to me. It’s a little less than depression but in the direction of depression. It’s where it hurts to smile even though you want to. It’s a weight that pushes you under water. Even though you kick and lift your head to keep above water there’s an invisible weight that holds your head steady down and you feel like you are drowning and the heaviness makes your body limp. This feeling carries on for days. You don’t let others know what’s happening. You do your best to stay positive outside so that others don’t see the sadness you are feeling inside. You smile and make sure all those around you are happy, comfortable and well but that only makes you feel more tired. You’re exhausted but you can’t let anyone in. You just can’t until one day something happens. He looks at you in a certain way that brings light into your darkness or you hear a laughter from one of your children that tries to break your trace or your best friend from far away calls out of the blue and knows something is going on. That’s when the wall “the funk” finally crumbles down and you are able to breathe again. You breathe and it no longer hurts. Your body feels light again and not achy. The smile comes to the surface from deep down within and your whole body smiles. Your life is your own again…until the next funk but until then you do your best to enjoy your life and all the blessings you are surrounded by.

That is my funk. It just happens but I know it will go away. I always hope it does.

 

Make it count

You wake up and take your first thank you breath and at that moment, you have to decide if it’s going to be a good day. No matter what you are going through or the craziness you know you are surrounded by, you need to make that decision. Try really hard to just think of all the good in your life. Think about the beautiful memories you’ve created. Think about the person that makes you smile and just remind yourself you made it to another day. After you thought about all that, get on your feet and begin this day as a gift. Make it count. You may be the face that person needs to bring a smile to their face. The hope they needed to see today. Make it count.
The kindness that you have inside you spread it around. Let it infect others so that it keeps going. Today is a gift. Make sure to share it with others.

Today brings change

Today brings many changes. From the calm wind blowing more cool air than days previous to the mentions of First Grade for our new adventure. There are many things in between that are in my heart. A lot of acceptance and faith that what lies ahead was always meant to be. It’s a day of decisions being made and the hope that keeps us afloat.

We are given each day as a gift. A day better than the last no matter the difficulties we feel or the mountains we must climb. It is still a gift we didn’t need to receive and now have to enjoy the love of family and friends. The life that is bursting around us to enjoy and take in. It’s with an open heart and mind to help us see things more clearer. Sometimes it’s easier to let fear take control but you are stronger to see above that and move forward. That is when you can see the world and the life you have before you with a clear view. Today may be your day. Enjoy it. Appreciate it. Love it. Make it what you want it to be.