This is about giving thanks and realizing those you need the most are placed in your path at the right times. These past few days I felt God’s presence in the hugs and faces of those that mean so much to me.
We all go through emotionally draining days, both mentally and physically. Sometimes while you are going through those days it’s hard to see things clearly and fear has a tendency of blinding you and making things worse. Having the support of family and friends brings you back to the surface and allows you to see clearer and helps confirm you are doing the right thing.
This is to the very small few that have listened and gone through this with me. For understanding and allowing my heart to speak it’s truth without holding back. From pulling me back and forth and then back again. It’s for helping to pick me up from the floor but allowing me to kneel carefully to pray.
This morning God’s presence was with someone very special. You wake up with so many emotions and crazy thoughts in your head and then suddenly a call comes in and changes things for the better. Sometimes that one thing, big or small, changes your life’s direction. All you can do is say thank you and hope the person on the other end knows just how much you appreciate them.
I want to say thank you for the events leading up to today.
Summer is coming to an end and a new school year begins. This year the kids will be in 5th grade. Give me a second to let that sink in… Holy cow, 5th grade! I can’t believe come Monday my two beautiful miracles will be walking the halls of their elementary school for the last year. They will be the oldest kids in the school and the doors will open for new activities and events leading up to their last days of elementary school. How did this happen?
I remember the days it all started and how many challenges they faced right from the start. Parents would tell me to enjoy every moment of it because the time will pass and you won’t realize how important all those moments were. At the time, exhausted and afraid I thought the time would never pass but boy was I wrong. My 2lb 10oz and 4lb 12oz miracle babies are growing and thriving each day. And those days led us here. Their 5th grade year.
Leading up to the beginning of the school year teachers send out letters to families introducing themselves to make the teacher “Meet and Greet” not so surprising. It also gives the kids some comfort knowing a little story about each teacher. As the letters were coming, we noticed that a lot of my daughter’s friends were not in her class. Most were in one class and some were spread out. She was really excited to have her friends together for her last year of elementary school but that wasn’t showing to happen.
At that point she turned to me and said, “it’s ok mommy, I will make more friends in my new class.” What a grown up answer, I thought. I felt more at ease until the Meet and Greet. We got to meet her wonderful teachers. They were amazing and kind. She was happy to see them. It wasn’t until later and after she played with all her friends in the schoolyard that she felt a little down. I guess it hit her that she wouldn’t be in class with any of her close friends for her last school year.
It will be a little different but so were the last couple of years with Covid. Things are rapidly changing every day and we need to stay positive and keep moving forward. It’s amazing how the kids have been at the same school since pre-k. Growing in a building as they have each year becomes like a second home. They see many familiar faces and welcoming staff and teachers that played a part in their life and create beautiful memories that will be with them always. We have been really fortunate with the amazing teachers we’ve had through the years. Reflecting back on this journey has me both crying and smiling. I will keep the faith that both my kids are right where they need to be to help them grow and explore this new and final year at their school. Maybe I am just a ball of emotions right now.
So many things are happening all at once and my head and heart are feeling heavy.
In just the past week I have been to two funerals and that is not counting the others before that week.
Today will be another one. Today is also September 11. Not only are we remembering all those that lost their life 20 years ago on that tragic September day. I am thinking of one very special friend who lost her life in one of the towers. She was kind and beautiful. I had the gift of being her friend and knowing her in elementary and when I moved, I enjoyed the many letters we exchanged through the years. She touched many lives and still does.
Today I’m also remembering the many lives that are taken by COVID and just the loss that happens every day. Not only because COVID. So many lives are leaving us. Today is a heavy day felt all around the world, not just here. Today is the day for us to all mourn together in our own way.
I would like to extend comforting healing hugs to all that are mourning a loss today. All those who are dealing with something so great that they are feeling alone. You are never alone. There is always someone there. Thinking of you. Praying for you and just smiling because someone said your name.
I want to wish teachers, school staff, families and students all starting a new school year safety and good health. I hope this year is better than last and continues to be strong. May we each feel comfort in knowing our kids and families will be safe.
Sorry. I told you I was all over the place with emotions.
Today I received an update about my friend’s cousin. I’ve been praying for her and her family ever since I found out that her cousin’s two daughters 12 and 9 were hospitalized for COVID. Her cousin (the mother) didn’t think she and her 12 year old needed to get vaccinated right away because her and the girls had healthy immune systems and never got sick so she pushed it off. Now she is regretting that decision watching both her daughters intubated in ICU. For two weeks now things didn’t look good. Yesterday they had to say goodbye to her 12 year old daughter Marisol because she lost her fight and became unresponsive. Her 9 year old is still in the ICU. Please help me in praying for Sonia. Please God give her the strength to keep fighting and get well enough to go home to her family. Please keep the Longoria family in your prayers. They need all the prayers and healing thoughts they can receive.
I’m so sad having to type this. My emotions are all over the place. I am trying so hard to smile and stay positive for my kids. Each day I wake up thankful that my children are safe, healthy and well. That I am able to hold them, see them smile and even get mad. See them grow and experience life good or bad. They are here with me, with us and I am so grateful. Each night I go to bed thanking God and praying for allowing me to have this. All that we experienced that day.
I am thankful that I have a husband that loves us so much that he researches endlessly, reads so much and keeps us up to date with all that is going on. He pushes me to always do what is right for our family. He gives me the courage and strength I need when I feel depleted.
I am so thankful that we were able to get vaccinated not only me but my husband, my parents and my sister. All that matters is that we are a little safer and we make it a little safer for those around us.
I personally have lost a few people because of COVID and I don’t want to lose any more. We’ve witnessed so much loss all around us not only to COVID but the loss felt so greatly because we are in this scary time. Families that are losing people, my friends, can’t celebrate the life of their loved ones and mourn them surrounded by family because everything is limited to help keep the spread of COVID down. In the past year my beautiful and dear friend has lost family members and not to COVID. My dear friend lost her innocent, beautiful and kind daughter. A miracle and now she is not here. My friend lost her brother and just recently another friend lost her father, her best friend. Just a few days ago another friend lost her husband.
This life has brought us so much pain. Heightened our fear and questioned our faith. As hard as it seems, it has also brought us love, joy and happiness. It has made us smile even though we are crying. It has lifted our spirits when they were so low. It has shown us there is still a way.
Everything around us shows us how much we still have and how tight we need to hold on to it. Life still needs to be lived and continued. Even though pieces of us are breaking and some days the pain seems unbearable, we need to look around us and see those still here and cherish those lives and continue to go on so you are not missing the next steps.
As hard as it is, we go on but that doesn’t mean the ones we lost are no longer with us because we carry them in our hearts. We carry them in the memories we created with them. We hold on to it all and move forward.
Praying for all my friends and their families. I’m carrying them all with me. May God continue to give us the strength we need to face a new day.
I’m not sure where to begin so I guess I’ll start with the happy news about our March for Babies walk. It was a bit different this year as the walk was virtually going on all over. This year I decided to have our team walk around Prospect Park rather than go to the city. We were asked to film live, take pictures and then send it all in so it would stream live on the Experience page during the walk. I invited family and friends who wanted to come out and enjoy a fun walk with us. Really I just wanted to be surrounded by so much love on this special day which I definitely felt.
My dad was even there in a Gio and Isa’s Miracles shirt. As tight as it may have looked on him, he still wore it for us which was special to see in photos. I didn’t make this year’s individual t-shirts for our team like I do every year because I wanted everyone in a t-shirt from years past. I wanted each shirt worn that day to represent a year we walked leading up to our 10th anniversary. I still can’t believe we have been walking in honor of Giovanni and Isannah for 10 years. Team Gio and Isa’s Miracles is 10! It is a day of hope, faith, reflection, love, kindness and family. It’s a day filled with many emotions and this year didn’t fail.
Although my dad showed up, he didn’t walk. He stayed behind until we were done. He felt tired and it seemed like he was having trouble breathing. From a day of such love, joy and life the night turned a little different.
By the next day, my father was having problems with his breathing again and his oxygen levels were decreasing. It was a quick trip to his doctor’s, followed by an emergency chest x-ray. He was back home waiting on results while monitoring his oxygen level. Even on his oxygen machine his levels were struggling to stay above 88. Something was definitely wrong. Early in the morning his levels dropped to 64 and the machine was no longer helping him. Back to the ER he went. More tests and scans taking place. They heard fluid in his lungs and began treating him for pneumonia. My mom, who is Wonder Woman, got him to the hospital just in time against all his fussing. He was admitted and put on Bi-PAP. This has sadly become a common routine due to his COPD. This was all adding to the many emotions that were already floating around.
All this was going on when we were in the middle of preparing for Isannah’s return to in school learning. It was an exciting and sad time. She was finally ready to go to school and meet her new teachers but sad she would be leaving her remote teacher, whom she loves behind. The first day was a success and the smile on her face during pick up said it all. She was happy to be back in the building seeing friends and staff members faces. This motivated Giovanni even more and he became super excited to join his new teacher.
Day 2 for Isannah went well. During pick up Giovanni saw his new teacher and they spoke about his work, procedures and how excited they both were to see him in school on Thursday but that didn’t happen. A late email from Isannah’s ballet school shook all the plans we had. Someone in her school possibly tested positive for Covid. We had to explain to a very excited boy that he would not be going to school after all. He was heartbroken and literally dropped to his knees and cried. He didn’t even start and already he was not able to attend. We promised to make it up to him and do something special. At the time, it didn’t seem like that would work but things changed a little in the morning when they rejoined their remote classes. Familiar faces and voices kept their spirits up.
During all of this and the possibility that Covid was close once again, my father was still in the hospital. The days were getting longer and I was becoming more tired but we all just kept going. Drives to and from the hospital. Calls to the nurses and doctors. Communication with insurance and social workers. My mind was all over and about to explode but there was no time to crumble and fall back, all I could do was keep moving ahead.
Remember when I mentioned doing something extra special for the kids? Well, on my way back from another appointment I stopped by It’s Sugar. Giovanni’s most favorite thing is a 3.5 ft long sour power strip. He only had it once and he absolutely LOVED it. I knew this would lift his spirits so I brought home two. One for him and one for his sister. He was so unbelievably excited. All I wanted was to see him smiling like that and it worked. They were both happy.
I watched them as they enjoyed and giggled at the length of this sour strip. It wasn’t until I looked over at Isannah and saw her spitting something out. She said there was something hard in that bite and apologized for spitting it in her napkin at the table. When I looked over at her, I noticed that the cap of her front tooth was missing. We looked in the bite she discarded and noticed right in the center was her cap.
I did something to put a smile on their face but now I took away Isannah’s smile. Her tooth was missing from a few years back but a cap fixed it until now. At this moment. It started all over again. This was turning into another one of those days.
We spoke to her and made her understand we were going to get it capped again and she shouldn’t worry but I could feel her fear just by looking at her. She was missing part of her front tooth. Her adult tooth was missing once again and she had to deal with it all over until it was repaired.
I immediately called the dentist who won’t be in the office for weeks. I know she couldn’t wait that long. I had to make an appointment with someone she’s never seen before. I’m staying hopeful that all goes well. In the meantime, masks need to be worn at all times in school unless she’s eating so it won’t be so bad.
Right now I’m sitting back thinking about how so many things could go wrong, and seem lately to do just that, but that one thing that goes right at just the right time can change the outcome of it all. This is when you have to search within yourself to find a better way to see it all. Try your hardest even at your weakest, or at times when you are most afraid, you need to reach deep within and let the love that fills you, carry you to the next moment.
Before I end my rambling thoughts here, let me say that daddy is back home. Healing slowly with the help of oxygen and machines and a wife that tirelessly gives of herself.
Isannah is smiling again despite the missing piece of her tooth. Giovanni found his excitement again for his new first day back to school and the sun was shining all day.
We are going to continue to reach within and find the positives and hope they outweigh all the negatives that keep coming our way.
There is still so much going on about schools opening, opting in or out, blended learning, fully remote, etc… There’s a lot of people that truly don’t have the children’s best interest at heart but you also have those that care so unbelievably much you can see it bursting from their eyes. We have been fully remote since last year when COVID all began. We wanted to make sure our families were safe and remained safe. We wanted to help others stay safe and stop the spread. We did our best like many others to be informed and follow doctors advice and listen to all that was going on. It was all so new and everyone had an opinion. People were harsh and became obnoxious, conspiracies and hoax rumors began. This all while we saw life fading. People dying right in front of our eyes. People we knew and loved. People we never even met but felt the loss deeply.
We saw hospitals being filled over capacity. Patients set up on the open streets surrounding the hospitals and in parking lots. Tents were set up, equipment was needed. We saw the tired passionate faces of medical staff and workers. First responders were working horribly extended hours too. We saw refrigerated trailer trucks pulling up to hospitals to store bodies of those who didn’t make it, to make room in hospitals for other patients. I can still these images playing in slow motion in my head. Visions that will never leave me.
Our eyes were permanently glued to the news as we cringed and watched in fear. The unknowing is the fear that builds so rapidly in our bodies. This feels like a lifetime ago but it was a year ago, and at the same time feels like only yesterday. And it’s still not over, but the relief I’m sure we all felt was when those refrigerated trailer trucks pulled away from hospitals never to return. Vaccinations becoming available.
Now we can continue our part by getting vaccinated. Helping those that can’t get to a vaccination site or can’t complete the proper protocols needed to get an appointment. We need to continue to help each other so that more lives aren’t rapidly taken away from us. So that hospitals aren’t once again over filled. We need to keep COVID away or help reduce the deathly scary symptoms. The vaccine doesn’t make it go away but it reduces the risks of hospitalization, being put on a ventilator, and helping to maintain the symptoms especially for our elderly and immunocompromised family and friends. Together we can help. There’s no room for selfishness here. We are one world under God. Let’s help him help us.
Now let me go back to why I began my ramble about schools. There has been a lot of confusion. A lot of lies being told both to families and school staff. I get it. No one knows and people are all trying to do what’s right. We are tired. We are scared for many reasons. As a parent there’s a lot of fear. Fear for our kids safety and health. Fear of making the wrong decisions for our children. Will they learn or regress? Are they so far away from real socialization that it’s taking a toll on their growth and well being. There are so many factors and feelings going on in my head as I’m sure many others are going through similar emotions.
I keep beating myself up trying to figure out what is right at this stage.
Vaccinations are more available now. We are fully vaccinated. There seems to be light coming in through all the linings that have been forming around us. The opt-in that was told to us in the very beginning is now available to families once again. Things are feeling a bit better but things aren’t over and not close to being over. But there is now hope. A hope that was fading is now coming to life.
I heard such horrible stories about schools and staff but I am thankful for the school my children attend. Thankful for all they have been doing to stay vigilant, a head of it all (even though it seems impossible), to keep us informed, truly caring about their students, even if it comes at a higher price at times. As much as I always want my kids in school, I am thankful that we had the ability to keep them home throughout all this time. We finally found a groove and consistency that worked for our family with the help of amazing teachers and staff. My fear of our kids lacking or not learning disappeared after seeing how excited they were about seeing their teacher. Hearing the excitement they still had for school.
After our first parent teacher conference, I truly got to see the love their teacher displayed for not only our kids but all her students. Then the second parent teacher conference hit and she spoke of our children’s growth, participation and all the wonderful things she shared thereafter. It opened my eyes to confirm how resilient children really are and how hard they keep trying and striving to do the best they can even in these crazy circumstances. Of course, we have the outbursts out of the school day. Little things you can see they have picked up as their way to cope and deal with all that is happening right before them.
How can they not? As a parent and an adult, I struggle and I try to find my own ways to deal with all that is going on so that my children do not suffer or pay for my actions.
We are all dealing with it the best way we can. Even struggling not only within ourselves but also with family members. Trying to figure out what is best for our family with different minds coming together can be hard. Agreeing isn’t always there but we look past that to see the bigger picture. Maybe the decision is one sided and needs getting used to or maybe we come together after a lot of “what ifs” but we do it.
It’s not without heavy hearts, and constant discussions pleasant or not, it’s what has to be done.
What helps is that I know my school has protocols in place that are being followed. I know teachers (who I call friends) truly care about their kids. They care so much that it hurts them when they can’t hug students and comfort their kids when it is needed but they have found other ways to get them through it. They are “not” babysitters but educators. They are the inspiration that keeps children looking up and moving forward. They are providers of tools that they need each day to reach higher. Each teacher in their own field provides so much for the mind and soul. They keep our kids happy and learning, moving and growing, singing and dancing. They are steps that help them climb to a new level. Sometimes while stumbling they provide support so they don’t fall and if they happen to fall, they make sure they know someone is always there while at school to help.
Not all teachers, principals, and school staff are the same but if you have that special group, you are one of the lucky few.
All this doesn’t mean I’m not afraid or my heart doesn’t sink several times a day, it just means we are getting through it all, we have to.
I’m grateful every day that I have someone at my side to be my strength when I’m crumbling. I am thankful that through it all he’s been a pillar of strength and flat out bluntness. That he’s researched every aspect of every situation and gave me the ability to see things more clearly. Even when I am frustrated and we see things differently, which definitely happens he allows me to feel it through. Who agrees anyhow, right? But for right now, it’s going to carry us and damn, it has to!
In just a few hours we will say goodbye to 2020, and its ouster not a moment too soon.
Oh, how it all started with beautiful promises. Cheers with family and neighbors. Watching our block New Year’s ball drop from a street light pole as it has done for many years. A tradition I am thankful and happy to experience, and be a part of every year. The hugs that we freely gave and received. Embraced with a full heart of love. I miss those hugs. The closeness you felt when you were able to just take each other in and feel the love and appreciation in just a hug.
What happened to the promises of 2020? The new year we were all so excited to welcome came to a halt. Instead of watching life grow surrounded by family and friends, we were watching the news in fear as a virus blew through Italy like a wildfire spreading to all of Europe and taking so many lives with it. We watched in fear with clenched fits and jaw dropping stares while feeling an unfamiliar pain in our hearts.
Hoping it wouldn’t come to our side. Praying it couldn’t get to our home but here it was on our front door. A map of hope and travel became filled with red dots of pain and life lost. It seemed as though hope was disappearing and hate and divide were holding strong. People who wanted so much to just help. Show support. Protect themselves while protecting their family, friends and life. While others were in denial. Following those saying this is a false truth. Not caring for the wellbeing of human life and not protecting themselves and others.
There was so much pain. So many lives lost, from the healthy to the weak. This year has taken far too much from us but it stops. It has to stop!
I will bring in a New Year. I will welcome 2021 with hope, love, faith and courage in my heart that it will be a better year. I will dream a dream for my kids to grow surrounded by the loving arms of family and friends. To grow where they can experience the happiness a hug brings. The kindness that an encouraging touch brings. I want them to dream and know that all things are still possible. I pray that they can experience school in person with some amazing teachers that show just how much they are cared about every day.
I want life back. In 2020, not only did we learn pain like no other, and many firsts that could never be expected, but we learned the true value of family. We learned that if we come together we can build beautifully.
Praying that 2021 brings so many deserving hugs. Much belly filled laughter that causes your cheeks to ache from smiling so much. That family can reunite not on a screen but in your home standing only inches apart.
Wishing you all of that and so much more. Here’s to bidding 2020 adieu and welcoming 2021 with good health to you and yours.
We had a little break from COVID fears, school heartbreak and confusion just to be together as a family. Smiling, enjoying being outside together (with masks) and just experiencing the beauty that is still around us. Today was the first time we went on a bike ride, all four of us, together. It was the first time the kids rode in the street with us the entire time. Asher was the lead then came Isannah, Giovanni and I was the back end. I had the best view. I got to enjoy the little legs pedaling trying to keep up with their dad. I heard the laughter and saw the happiness of biking just by their body language.
It was a beautiful experience. One that was overdue.We got to bike along the piers and took a break to look around and take it all in. There in front of us was the city’s skyline. Home in Brooklyn but a view that can make anyone smile of the city. It was a beautiful sunny day with a hint of a cool breeze. The perfect weather for a family bike ride and a perfect day to spend together outside. It’s days like this when the stress of forced decisions being made evaporates and the love of life and family are present.
This is the first time I am lost for words. My head is about to explode and I can’t help to release as I usually do by writing. Each time I feel like I have so much to say, then I sit down with my pen and paper and I freeze. It’s making things so much harder.
What is going on? Maybe my mind is on overload and I keep jumping from emotion to another. When I have something on my mind and I’m about to release 15 more things pop in my head. I just keep feeling things with heaviness whether it’s happiness or anger, impatience or failure. They all are currently present. I know everyone feels a certain way sometimes as I do, and that’s okay but something is going on right now and I can’t shake it. It’s making me sick to my stomach, maybe because I’m angry. I feel really angry and that anger is turning into a lot of uncertainty, a lot of pain and tries to block any of the good and light I try to allow in.
My heart is aching and my chest hurts. I feel like the weight I’m carrying is too much to bear. I’ve experienced so much loss since March. I’ve seen the pain and the emptiness in my friend’s eyes and in the eyes of people I don’t even know. Why are so many more suffering right now? How can you take babies, children, mothers and fathers so quickly? How can we fill the huge void in our heart? I see my friends and I can’t imagine their hurt. I don’t want to even begin to imagine if I was in their shoes. How could I walk?
We almost lost our son that night he was born. Both my children are fighting in the NICU. They’re here now and I don’t ever want to go back to that place. Although my mind drifts there from time to time and I cry. Boy, do I cry. I see them now thriving, growing and laughing and it brings me back to today and allows me to soften and smile. Even now as I write I’m crying. My chest is closing in and that weight is there again. I want to scream but at what? Who can I scream at because screaming and abusing myself makes everything so much worse. How am I not completely broken?
In this lifetime, I’ve experienced abuse both verbally and physically from people I trusted and loved so much. I’ve experienced failure and a lot of it. Depression so badly I questioned my existence at scary levels. I’ve experienced self-doubt, hurt, and loss a lot of it.
But I also experienced miracles, love, compassion, encouragement and happiness. I witnessed life and dreams that came true. Does the latter help outweigh the bad? Can the beautiful memories I stored and reflect back on block the evil memories I try to push away?
There has to be a balance right? I look at my family and I try to take them in and hold them so close. I breathe them in hoping they are so close inside me that they can replace all the hurt that is there. I still feel belittled at times and it breaks me piece by piece. Why do I still let people have power over me? What am I doing wrong?
I am the best listener. I can problem solve and heal others with the advice I give, the love I share and my heart that is open to help others comes easily. When someone is hurting, I do my best to take away their pain and just sit there with them. Knowing having someone just be with you can make all the difference in their world. I love being that person especially to those I truly care about. It comes easily to me and just flows. Why can’t I do that for myself? Instead I allow the heaviness to stay and weigh me down. I genuinely care with all that I have and give all of me with no restrictions. I am empathetic. I’m here. Even with all the hate in this world and the ugliness that is shown to us on a daily basis I still want to believe.
I still want to show my kids what good is. What life can be. I want them to know this world is beautiful and I want them to dream and never stop believing in themselves and this life.
I want them to be humble and kind. To know their life makes a difference and they were gifted this life for a reason. I don’t ever want them to feel unloved or unimportant in any way.
I’m ready to allow healing. I’m ready to take another step forward. I have to. There’s so much I want to experience with my kids. I want to stare into their eyes and see all the wonders of this life as they do. I want them to always feel my love even when I lose my temper or I become impatient. I want them to always know that I’ll never stop loving them. I wish they could look through my eyes and see how beautiful, amazing and how proud I am of them. I want them to carry that feeling everyday of their lives no matter what happens in their life or what journey they are on. They can always take those with them.
When I am no longer here they will always remember they are the best miracles of my life.
Monday, August 10, 2020 we celebrated 12 years of marriage. Several years ago we were gifted the time to travel on our anniversaries. We were able to celebrate just us again. Each place we traveled we laughed, loved and lived. We escaped to new places to get back to the place we said, I do. That day brought two souls together and grew two hearts. It was a day of new beginnings and a day that lit the way to our new journey. Whether we were traveling to The French Riviera or driving Highway 1, we have been blessed to see things through a different lens. We learned and grew. This year we were unable to travel because of COVID. Instead, we celebrated it together as a family. Our children sang a Happy Anniversary song to us. My husband drove us to Sonic Drive In. This was a big moment and treat. He knows I love Sonic from my way back Texas days so this was our travel adventure. It was our children’s first time eating there and LOVED it. After enjoying coneys and slushes with happy full tummies we headed back home.
Not more than 20 minutes after we arrived a tornado siren went off. Next came the beeping on phones with tornado watch warnings and TV tornado warnings telling everyone to go to the lowest floor of the house. My husband grabbed flashlights and our dog Griffin. Giovanni, Isannah and I followed him to the basement. It was the kids and my first time in a tornado watch so it was quite the experience. As we were in the basement, I couldn’t help but stare at all of them. My children, my husband, and our dog were curled up on a beam bag. During all that has been going on this year and all that was going on in that moment, all I could do is smile. This was 12 years. This was family and this always will be.
My husband and I managed to have alone time during Griffin’s walk. My husband, Griffin, and I went for a stroll as the sunset was beginning. The wind was softly blowing while the colors in the sky began changing. The beauty that was surrounding us on our walk made me think of the many sunsets we experienced together and the many more we will experience again.
Instead of hearing the sounds of children playing, the sounds of giggling and running in the streets, you hear quiet. There’s silence. It’s like a balloon floating around alone in the street. The balloon lifts slowly off the ground each time a breeze carries it. But it doesn’t go far. When the wind blows ever so gently it gives the balloon a slight push.
It’s a balloon alone in the street. No children running excitedly towards the balloon trying to catch it. No children giggling because two friends are running so fast to catch the balloon and instead of catching it smack into each other and fall happily on the ground.
Those are the sounds that we miss.
Now you feel alone. You are walking alone because there is no one around. Finally when you do see some life on the other side walking towards you you can’t help but think, oh my goodness does that person have the virus? As they get closer you try and force a smile behind your worried eyes as a greeting and keep on walking. You look back once in a while just to be sure that people are still out there. You try to get back to civilization or you try to get back to your everyday life but it’s no longer the same. It’s not the everyday life that you remember it to be it’s different.
What we are all feeling is different. There’s a lot of fear still. There’s a lot of uncertainty. Instead of the excitement of looking ahead, which we can’t really do right now, we are presented with the fear of truly not knowing.
I want to be excited about summer camp plans we made for our children. I always looked forward to picking up the kids after camp to hear all about what they did and learned. Staring at their red faces because you know they were sweating and having a good time. Their hair is a little wet and curling in some areas and you just see their smile and happiness. And although their face looks tired you know it was a fulfilled day. Vacation trips. Play dates with friends. That’s no longer in our reach right now. The end of the year actually the end of school year excitement is gone because the kids haven’t been in the classroom. Other than virtual classrooms and meeting with teachers online and seeing students it’s not the same.
The interactions are not the same. The little groups gone. The friends that come together and start talking is no longer the same. Things are changing. Is it our fault?
Were we taking things for granted not really realizing the harm that we could possibly be doing to each other and the Earth.
As a mother, all I want to do is see my kids smile. And when something or someone takes away that smile it hurts you deeply. But you have to keep reminding yourself that they are safe. They are healthy. They are still very much loved.
And hopefully this too shall pass.
But in the meantime, all I do is stare at this balloon. It just keeps floating and then just stands still. Just as I do.