Make it count

You wake up and take your first thank you breath and at that moment, you have to decide if it’s going to be a good day. No matter what you are going through or the craziness you know you are surrounded by, you need to make that decision. Try really hard to just think of all the good in your life. Think about the beautiful memories you’ve created. Think about the person that makes you smile and just remind yourself you made it to another day. After you thought about all that, get on your feet and begin this day as a gift. Make it count. You may be the face that person needs to bring a smile to their face. The hope they needed to see today. Make it count.
The kindness that you have inside you spread it around. Let it infect others so that it keeps going. Today is a gift. Make sure to share it with others.

Today brings change

Today brings many changes. From the calm wind blowing more cool air than days previous to the mentions of First Grade for our new adventure. There are many things in between that are in my heart. A lot of acceptance and faith that what lies ahead was always meant to be. It’s a day of decisions being made and the hope that keeps us afloat.

We are given each day as a gift. A day better than the last no matter the difficulties we feel or the mountains we must climb. It is still a gift we didn’t need to receive and now have to enjoy the love of family and friends. The life that is bursting around us to enjoy and take in. It’s with an open heart and mind to help us see things more clearer. Sometimes it’s easier to let fear take control but you are stronger to see above that and move forward. That is when you can see the world and the life you have before you with a clear view. Today may be your day. Enjoy it. Appreciate it. Love it. Make it what you want it to be.

When you put the most pressure on yourself

I was feeling a little overwhelmed and this is when I’m the hardest on myself. It’s when I begin remembering all the times I lost patience and got more upset than I wanted to. Remembering how easily I got upset this morning while I was trying to get the kids fed, cleaned, and ready to head out the door. I was making breakfast and then lunch and the time was passing and the kids were moving so SLOWLY and I knew I still had so much more to do. At that point, I should’ve pulled away from the situation and just taken a moment to let whatever was boiling inside me disappear but I didn’t. I raised my voice and began to rush the kids and myself. I didn’t like that feeling but didn’t realize it until I dropped them off. Once we got out of the house everything seemed fine. We were talking nicely. There was giggling and everything was as if my temper was not raised or my patience not short. This only made me feel worse.

I decided I needed to go somewhere I would be surrounded by small children and their moms, dads and family. I needed to take myself away from the abuse I was mentally giving myself. Basically remove myself from my harsh thoughts of the mistake I made this morning.

I went to the park. I sat on a bench alone and listened to the children play and the conversations that were taking place. I heard moms yelling at their kids. I heard moms loving their children but also heard the frustration in their voices. I heard some losing their cool and yelling. This is when my clinched tight body began to loosen. It was a reminder that not everyone is perfect and sometimes we just lose our patience. It helped bring me down to a place of comfort, appreciation and love. I was able to let the abuse rest and remember all the amazing times that I didn’t get upset. I remembered all the giggles and laughter I shared with G and I. I remembered all the sweet times and even the not so sweet times but they were our times and we made it work together.

The walk…loss

No matter where you are when you start walking thoughts come to mind. Your walk is filled with family, sadness, love and just emotions. The more you walk the more your feelings are present. Weeks and weeks of heaviness falling down on you, on your chest, shoulders, and head knocking you to your knees and keeping you down. The weight feels unbearable. At times I feel like I can’t breathe and at other times I’m so scared.

Then I hear something in the distance. Life is happening all around me. Laughter is filling the air with giggles that sound so familiar. It’s hard to smile when you have sadness, confusion and are in some form of shock but then you do because those giggles are coming from your children. Two amazingly sweet little people that are living with love in their hearts and that see kindness all around.

You want to be angry because you feel the loss so great. You see the pain so expressed on the face of family and it makes you even sadder. You want to take it all in. Somehow take it away but you know you can’t and that upsets you more. You begin to question why? Why do we have to be reminded of how horrible it can be to truly appreciate all that is good? We appreciate it all already. Why take that away from us? So many questions but never enough answers. It seems as though the answers are never present when you need them most only in time will the answers be present. In time, we will understand.

One step at a time, one breath, one heartbeat, just faith. Life doesn’t stop living because you are sad. It keeps moving at the same pace all we can do is move along with it. Create our own pace until we are able to catch up.

Losing loved ones

Hearts are breaking and tears are flowing. The loss is present and we are surrounded by sadness of family and friends who left this life too soon. These past couple of months seems to have many I love in pain. From my families loss to friends who continue to lose someone truly close. I want to extend my deepest sympathies to all those who are suffering. Who continue to try and understand why they are gone. There’s never a good answer or time but all we can do is believe that God is doing what he needs to do.

We can hold on to the memories that we so beautifully shared with those lost. Each day gets better or so they say. All we can do is live each day surrounded by love of family and friends and live each day helping each other. Stay safe and remember there is always someone who loves your smile so even though it’s hard be sure to show it.

Loss and life

Today is a day of many emotions. A year ago today I lost a beautiful friend. A kind, full of life, gracious, strong, amazingly special in all ways to a continuous on and off battle of cancer. She brought so much love and joy to all those who knew her and every day she is thought about and missed. I know she is a beautiful angel care and pain free watching us and smiling that amazing smile. I can still hear that wondrous laugh. It truly was one of a kind. Today as I remember her and smile through sadness for a loss so great. I remember the amazing times we shared together. I am also reminded that life continues no matter the pain, the loss and the confusion.

This morning as I was helping Giovanni and Isannah with their character day costumes for school I saw the beauty that is life in their smiles and the innocence that shines from these two little bodies. Seeing that was able to lift me and give me the smile I needed to continue my day. I watched them in class as they each got ready to begin their school day. I saw and heard the smiles and laughter filling their classrooms. This was life. This was light and the start of new beginnings.
Before leaving I peaked once more in each classroom to remind myself that life is always continuing. May today remind you that you are alive no matter your situation and that you have another day to enjoy all that you can. We are surrounded by beauty even in the tiniest of views.

Take that moment with you

You’re in a bummed out mood and you are just feeling like the weight of the world is on your shoulders and while you are going through these emotions you take a walk and notice every beautiful person passing by. As each one passes you say to yourself, I wish I was her/him. They seem so put together and beautiful. The right weight size that I’ve been trying to reach. The flawless skin and perfect smile. You start bringing yourself down even more. Before you go any further with what you see on the outside remember that they have scars too. Maybe some are old and healing or some are opened and fresh. You never know what someone across from you is going through. They could be thinking you are the most amazing person they’ve seen and they are contemplating the worst thing ever. Things always seem better on the opposite end but remember things are not always as they seem. You are beautifully made because God selected you to be this way. We are each special even if we don’t feel that way all the time or even any of the time. Try to remember that what you see in the mirror may be completely different from what another person sees in you and at that moment you can be bringing them a smile and a joy they’ve been missing. Some days just suck but hold on to those days that aren’t so bad. Hold on to the dreams you once had and focus on making them come true. Think about a family member and/or friend that loves you unconditionally. You have a life that can be filled with so much more than you allow yourself to see. It’s always good to have a focus point. Something that makes the corners of your mouth lift and remember that. Take that moment with you everywhere you go. I know I do.

 

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Family, Life and Love

Family, Life and Love. Three powerful words, amazingly beautiful together but scary and horrifying as well. We all have this beautiful vision of what family is. Either we are born into the family that everyone wants or a family that needs a lot of stitching, bandages and healing time. Family is what it is. It’s not always about love but when it comes down to it…it should be. The individuals that make up a family are grown with love.

Life is as it sounds. It’s waking up everyday living, breathing and being.

We all have family issues, hiccups and heartaches but we also have happiness, cheek aching laughter and tender embraces of hope filled dreams.

Love always tries to be the stronger word. It sees the good in all the bad. The hope in all of the sadness, pain and fear and the faith that things can always be better than what we allow. Sadly, the fights, the tears and fear cause the family side to override the love that is desperately trying to blanket all our hearts.

See no matter how much you love. How much you miss someone. No matter how much you wish you were able to get past all the pain and heartache that someone(s) in your family has caused there’s always that thin needle piercing your love filled heart crippling it for even longer. Causing the healing to be delayed and/or put off until closure is presented in some way. You try to find that closure on your own but sometimes all that’s needed is to face it. To confront the person(s) so that together you can find closure and therefore move on.

In some cases moving on is forced and problems, misdoings, misunderstandings get swept away for the moment until all the dust that lies beneath collects and the inevitable explosions erupt. This is when you relive the pain and then it intensifies in a way that there is no turning back. You become lost and forgiving is a word in the far unattainable distance.

Before we let it get that far. Before the family bond breaks apart piece by piece. Family member by family member until there’s no family at all. Just a tree made up of frail lifeless dead branches we should try to let love fill that pain first.

Inside we all want that tree to be alive and thriving. To stretch towards the sun and fill with arms (branches) that hug, and hold life and love in. Even if we don’t want to admit it we wish for our tree to be filled with love of branches. Leaves of hope, the strength of family and life from the foundation that brings it all together.

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The stares in the mirror

As you get older you notice the stares in the mirror get longer. You realize that time is taken a toll on you, not only on your body but all over your face. Each stare gets longer and each line more pronounced. You try to manage a smile but with quivering lips it’s not always easy. Then you are hit with the realization that there are many younger, more prettier and more youthful running about and your chest begins to cave in and you slouch where you once were standing tall. This is when the questions begin. Does he notice them? Am I still beautiful on the outside as he once thought? Do I still cause his heart to skip a beat knowing he will see me after a long day at work? Or do others around him keep his interest and his heart fluttering?

He’s surrounded by the world and I’m surrounded by errands, interactions with little people and those that care for them. Have I lost that touch? Did I lose my sparkle? Your heart feels heavy but it’s time to step away from that mirror and dress those two miracles calling out to you. You slowly make your way to them, giving the smiles and hugs they come to expect and love, and once again you are out the door to begin the same day on a different date.

What happened to that person before the kids? The life with the high paying job and a kick ass yearly bonus? This is my life now, right?

Let’s back up a bit and try this again. LOOK at my life…two amazing kids, a beautiful home surrounded by family. Yes, it’s not always easy and boy is it stressful but it’s my life. It’s my journey and the path that gets me where I need to be.

Do I have insecurities and fears? Yes, I do but I’ve come to learn that it’s ok. It’s up to me to always focus on the good and find the positive. But in the meantime find myself and don’t get lost in the fear and others around me.

Although, it gets harder some days I try to look less at the lines that surround my face, the extra something that hangs on my body and let the dust that dulls my sparkle blow away. Sometimes I need to give myself a little shake or a pat to help me shine but all the in between stuff is still there, the only difference is now I understand, it’s ok. When I lose that and the day comes when I feel it’s not ok, I will just remember this. Here and now and I hope that’s enough.

True friends and thanks!

Today I’m reminded just how wonderful it feels to have someone that truly knows YOU for YOU and loves you anyway. I’m reminded just how precious and beautiful a life with a true friend means. We all have people we know, an acquaintance, someone we know in passing or meet along the way through a friend and although it’s nice to know, it’s nothing like the love and relationship of a true friend. One that touches your heart and soul and no matter what happens in between or the miles of distance that friend is a hearts friend. One that belongs there and can never go away. I’m lucky to experience and know what that means. You know who you are and if I don’t say it often or reach out to you as much as I’d like, please know that your love, support and life through the years are my greatest gifts. Please know that I don’t take our friendship for granted and during these last few days, I want you to know you are loved. Life is fragile and oh so short, never doubt for a moment that you were not thought about or prayed for because you are.
All those who say hi along the way and send a nice note, thank you.
May this day embrace you with love so strong it holds you and warms your soul. I have several angels up above that I miss dearly but I know I can see them in my memories, hold them in my heart and see them in my dreams. Sometimes I look up and just smile. I hope you smile today even though your heart may be breaking.