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The stares in the mirror

As you get older you notice the stares in the mirror get longer. You realize that time is taken a toll on you, not only on your body but all over your face. Each stare gets longer and each line more pronounced. You try to manage a smile but with quivering lips it’s not always easy. Then you are hit with the realization that there are many younger, more prettier and more youthful running about and your chest begins to cave in and you slouch where you once were standing tall. This is when the questions begin. Does he notice them? Am I still beautiful on the outside as he once thought? Do I still cause his heart to skip a beat knowing he will see me after a long day at work? Or do others around him keep his interest and his heart fluttering?

He’s surrounded by the world and I’m surrounded by errands, interactions with little people and those that care for them. Have I lost that touch? Did I lose my sparkle? Your heart feels heavy but it’s time to step away from that mirror and dress those two miracles calling out to you. You slowly make your way to them, giving the smiles and hugs they come to expect and love, and once again you are out the door to begin the same day on a different date.

What happened to that person before the kids? The life with the high paying job and a kick ass yearly bonus? This is my life now, right?

Let’s back up a bit and try this again. LOOK at my life…two amazing kids, a beautiful home surrounded by family. Yes, it’s not always easy and boy is it stressful but it’s my life. It’s my journey and the path that gets me where I need to be.

Do I have insecurities and fears? Yes, I do but I’ve come to learn that it’s ok. It’s up to me to always focus on the good and find the positive. But in the meantime find myself and don’t get lost in the fear and others around me.

Although, it gets harder some days I try to look less at the lines that surround my face, the extra something that hangs on my body and let the dust that dulls my sparkle blow away. Sometimes I need to give myself a little shake or a pat to help me shine but all the in between stuff is still there, the only difference is now I understand, it’s ok. When I lose that and the day comes when I feel it’s not ok, I will just remember this. Here and now and I hope that’s enough.

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Tonight’s joy

There’s nothing better than hearing your daughter singing at the top of her lungs with excitement during a performance of Frozen on Ice but to turn to your left to see your husband holding your son who is nestled in his arms with tears in his eyes looking over at his daughter. That was the best moment of the entire night for me. When he caught my eyes staring the smile on his face said it all. I knew that he was taking quickly back to the time in the NICU where it all started and then back to how amazingly beautiful, healthy and happy she was right at that moment. At least that was the look I received. That was how I felt and his smile confirmed this miraculous moment was even possible.

Frozen on Ice will mean different things for different people but for me it will be a constant reminder of the joy and pure excitement on my children’s face. It will remind me of the appreciation we felt watching a show that can lift a persons spirits and bring hope in the eyes of so many.

The memory of this evening and that moment is etched in my heart permanently. I have another happiness that I can turn to when a day just isn’t going right.

May you always have a saved happiness you can remember.

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True friends and thanks!

Today I’m reminded just how wonderful it feels to have someone that truly knows YOU for YOU and loves you anyway. I’m reminded just how precious and beautiful a life with a true friend means. We all have people we know, an acquaintance, someone we know in passing or meet along the way through a friend and although it’s nice to know, it’s nothing like the love and relationship of a true friend. One that touches your heart and soul and no matter what happens in between or the miles of distance that friend is a hearts friend. One that belongs there and can never go away. I’m lucky to experience and know what that means. You know who you are and if I don’t say it often or reach out to you as much as I’d like, please know that your love, support and life through the years are my greatest gifts. Please know that I don’t take our friendship for granted and during these last few days, I want you to know you are loved. Life is fragile and oh so short, never doubt for a moment that you were not thought about or prayed for because you are.
All those who say hi along the way and send a nice note, thank you.
May this day embrace you with love so strong it holds you and warms your soul. I have several angels up above that I miss dearly but I know I can see them in my memories, hold them in my heart and see them in my dreams. Sometimes I look up and just smile. I hope you smile today even though your heart may be breaking.

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Trying to see life in the sadness

It’s been a day(s) filled with many emotions. I can’t understand how in one second you can be unbelievably happy and in the next the sadness you feel is like heat burning your chest from your heart crumbling. With each falling piece you feel the weight of life slipping and it’s hard to breathe. I felt that on and off today and much of last night. The in between, I was reminded of how beautiful life is. My sister cousin got married today and her wedding reminded me of the happiness that remains. Although we feel sadness and feel like our hope is slipping away there is something like today that tells me to keep the faith. Watching her smile, laugh, dance and just look absolutely beautiful in her dress pulled at my cheeks and helped me raise them in celebration of life. She was starting a new journey as husband and wife and we were there to witness the kind beauty.
Although I lost someone dear to me, I was reminded of all the amazing times I had with her and felt pretty damn lucky to be able to hold on to those memories. That doesn’t mean there’s not a void and sadness, it means that I will try my hardest to fill it with the happiness we shared.
Being surrounded by family was just what I needed.
Happy 37th Birthday today up in Heaven to my dear friend of strength, courage, life and love. The stars are shining brighter tonight. 

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We rocked Flu Shots!

It’s finally here. The day we go to the pediatrician to get our flu shots. I’ve been prepping Giovanni and Isannah for a couple of days now. Going over which doctor we will see and explaining the shot process. I made sure to play flu shot/shots episodes from Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood (best one for shots) and Dora the Explorer. Then I would talk to both kids about the reactions that each made on the show and how they described the feeling. Gio and Isa knew they were ready and it would only pinch and then it would be done.

We began our day with another discussion to make sure we were comfortable and understood the process. Once we were dressed and ready to conquer the day we headed for some live kid jams while enjoying some lunch. By that time, the rain let up and the sun and breeze filled the air. It was the perfect opportunity to head to the park to laugh, skip and play. I knew the park was a block away from the pediatrician so I hoped the transition would be an easy one.

I announced the “10 minute” countdown and just sat and watched every move they made.

They were both in their own little world filled with laughter and creativity. It was the sweetest thing to observe.

Finally, 10 minutes was up and I called them each over. They listened and immediately took my hands. They continued talking and throwing in a question now and then about the doctor and who would be going first. They were in good spirits. It was the first time in a while that they didn’t cry as soon as they walked in the office.

Gio and Isa greeted everyone and took their seats while I completed some paperwork. As we were called in they rushed by me to their usual room, sat down and began playing. No less than five minutes our pediatrician came in. The kids paused for a moment. I was worried the flow of tears would suddenly begin but instead the greetings and smiles continued. Wow, these two were prepared and getting so big right before my eyes.

The pediatrician asked who was going first. Gio immediately said Isa and Isa immediately said mommy so I popped up and took the first round. Isannah kept her eyes on me the entire time. It was less than a minute before he was putting a band-aid on my arm. Isannah popped up and was ready. Dr talked to her sweetly and before you knew it she was done. Her face was serious for about a second and then she giggled and said it pinched just like Daniel Tiger said. She popped up and started dancing. Now it was Giovanni’s turn. He bravely walked over sat on the bench and tried so hard not to look but kept turning to look at his doctor. At that moment Isannah stopped playing looked at Giovanni and said remember to think of someone you really love and it will only pinch.

Giovanni looked straight at me and that’s when the doctor gave him his shot. It was over but not before Giovanni’s lips began to quiver and he let out the saddest cry. He jumped right into my arms and softly cried some more. I let them both know how proud I was and what a great job they both did. At that moment, Giovanni stopped crying and Isannah looked straight at him and said, why didn’t you think of daddy? You were supposed to think of someone you love so much and I thought of daddy and that’s why I didn’t cry. My heart just melted.

They were both bouncing around again with excitement once the doctor told them to ask for the special lollipops behind the counter on the way out. Of course, they did and all was good in the world.

We rocked Flu Shots!

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Here come the questions

I finally listened to all the advice given by my friends and husband about switching my twins from 3 ½ days a week to 3 full days a week at school. As difficult as it was for me to make the decision it was harder for me to drop them off that first day. I knew it was the better choice for them as it will help prepare them for Pre K next year but it didn’t make the decision easier.

Now fast forward a bit. The kids are totally enjoying the change in their schedule and things are finally falling into place allowing me to feel more at ease and less guilty with the decision UNTIL you hear all those questions.

When someone hears that you decided to put your kids in school full time even though it’s 3 days and not the full week the flood of questions start flowing. One of my favorites is: what will you do with all that free time?

In the beginning I allowed the questions to drown me with guilt and confusion but as time passes I try to hold my head above water and feel the days one at a time.

That question along with many other similar questions said in a tone of disapproval and disgust made me want to crawl under a rock and hide. I had to physically force myself from shrinking where I stood. When the questions are asked by people who aren’t parents it doesn’t get to me as much as the moms that ask with disgust in their voice and disappointment on their face. It takes everything I have in me not to lash out.

For those parents that feel that I am not doing my part, let me tell you this.

On the days that my kids are in school for a few extra hours I can complete all the laundry instead of having to wash the same load over and over because I left the load to tend to the kids causing the washed clothes to sit in the washer and begin to smell like mildew.

I am able to go grocery shopping with enough room in my shopping cart to buy all the things I need to without crushing one of the kids or holding back on everything I need because there is no room.

I am able to tend to the house the way my heart enjoys so that I can take that deep breath in and smell the pure cleanness that is taken from me because as soon as I clean one area the other side is as messy and dirty as the area I just cleaned. I can take a moment to enjoy all the hard work I was allowed to work straight through without interruptions.

I can pay the bills without staying up late to make sure it is all done without error. I can make all the calls I need to take care of all the outstanding chores that the house requires down to repairs, electric, and maintenance without screaming in the background making it difficult to hear and communicate.

I can have some time to actually take care of me. Yes, I said it “ME” so that I am refreshed and happy all over again which helps with my patience and comfort control. This is an important one that took me a very long time to get to and actually do. This is the time when I can get back to me as a person.

I can go on and on but I’m sure many of you understand.

So to all those people that feel it is their place to judge another person I say to you, no one here can judge. In my eyes and heart the one person that can judge me is God.

We are all trying to do the best we can. I know I am my worst critic and I try so hard to be the best mom I can be. All I can do is love my children unconditionally. Help them along the way and always let them know I am here. Hope that they feel loved and supported always. I am far from the best mom but I’m the only mom I know how to be.

So the next time that person gives you that look and goes off on all the time you have just take a deep breath in, let it out slowly and remember who you are, all that you do every day, all that you accomplished to get to where you are now and just smile. Everyone is battling something and maybe that person is just jealous of all that you have or just amazed at all that you do and just doesn’t know how to say it.

Chin up, enjoy your life and remember good or bad there is something more that will always bring that smile in your heart. At least that’s what I believe.

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My moment, my feeling

“When the words can’t truly express what is felt within your heart. When the shaky smile on your face is filled with pain that you hope will pass. When the fear that tomorrow will hold the emptiness that you are pushing away today. That is when you reach deep down inside with all the strength you have to lift that voice of hope and fill the heart with love to carry you once again.”

“Quando le parole non possono davvero esprimere ciò che si sente dentro il tuo cuore. Quando il sorriso tremante sul viso è pieno di dolore che si spera passerà. Quando la paura che domani si terrà il vuoto che si sta spingendo via oggi. Questo è quando si arriva in fondo dentro con tutta la forza che devi alzare quella voce di speranza e di riempire il cuore con amore per portare ancora una volta.”