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A Long Walk

Perhaps my emotions are all over the place or maybe it’s just the fact that I watched a Long Walk to Freedom by Nelson Mandela but this heart is achy, happy, sad, disappointed and in a moment of a life truly lived. Seeing all the struggles, the gain, the loss, the hope and faith. Yes, HOPE of something greater than one person but together found the strength that comes with peace as a whole. 
The struggles some small and others so great that carries the weight of a country is a struggle no matter the size. Try to always remember you are not alone going through something, there are many others that deal with their own struggles. The smiles that are present in vision isn’t always present in heart so speak wisely with care and love in your heart. I know for me it’s a constant reminder as my thoughts can wander but my heart and love will always remain.

“No one is born hating another person because of the color of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite.” Nelson Mandela

 

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Saying goodbye to Bishop Ford

Today begins a new chapter in the lives of many but for one most important person it begins with a heavy heart. Today is the last time my mom will walk through the doors of Bishop Ford. A school that began her new journey back home and started with new adventures filled with new friends, love and heart. She started with one job in that school and ended with three. She dedicated her mornings, afternoons, evenings and sometimes weekends to a school she loved. The sadness that comes with a school unexpectedly closing its doors brings forced closure to many lives. Not only the lives of workers, teachers, staff but to current students and past graduates.

This day proves once again that my mom is the toughest woman I know. Her strength shines in all she does. It’s not always up front but it’s hidden in the many ways she handles every day situations. You can truly learn a lot just by observing a person and I’m thankful to learn the most important tips of life from her.

Although I know this day is heavy in her heart and at any moment tears will rapidly flow, she will do her best to show others she is ready for this change. This is another example of her amazing strength. I only hope she is aware of how amazing she is and how very proud we all are of her. Her accomplishments from the day she came to America from Italy on a ship back in 69 to the present day.

She is a true definition of a mother. Her unselfishness and constant care and love convinced me that love does conquer all. Sometimes I rub on her just to see if that beautiful feeling of motherhood transports into my body so I can be more like her.

For me, I see this as a blessing in disguise for my mother. It’s God’s beautiful way of saying, it’s your turn to relax and take all that you accomplished in and breathe. You worked so hard and although scary and forced, what feels like to soon, is something that was needed for you and your body. She may not see it yet but this will be a beautiful beginning of her.

 

This post is dedicated not only to my mother, my best friend, my angel of guidance on earth but to the hard working staff and students at Bishop Ford that will be forcefully moving on to a new adventure. May today bring beautiful beginnings of new doors opening for all of you.

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Where is that hand?

Sometimes when you feel yourself slipping into a funk you try desperately to reach for that hand that knows just what to do but as close as you feel to it, the distance eats up at you making you feel further away. You look around at the amazing life you took part in creating but no matter the beauty, love and sounds of laughter, the fear that you buried so deep within you always tries to pull you back to that place. It takes everything in you to push it down.

Where is that hand?

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Last day of school

Big day for Giovanni and Isannah today. Who am I kidding, mommy too;-) Last day of school. Time to say goodbye to teachers and friends they met during this school year before starting a new school in September. As I began packing things in my bags from their school during drop off I felt my stomach turn. I stopped and said I would continue the rest during pick up. Isannah’s face said it all and I had to walk out. 

Fast forward to final pick up at school. It was almost time to walk in but for some reason my feet were cemented to the sidewalk a few feet away. My body felt heavy and so did my heart. I finally pushed myself to walk in. More like mad dash to the bathroom because the nerves got to me. As I opened the door I saw kids hugging each other and that’s when my eyes found Giovanni and Isannah all smiles and asking for hugs. They were all so adorable. Asking for hugs and giving group hugs as well. My eyes started to fill with tears but I was still controlling. I gathered the rest of the kids things together while saying good-bye to the teachers. As I turned back Giovanni was back in the classroom trying to get his last good-bye hugs from his friends. It was over. The emotions were taking over and I was thankful to have my mirrored sunglasses to hide the rapidly flowing tears from my eyes so the kids wouldn’t see.

Sadly, the sunglasses couldn’t hide my cracking voice as I was trying to get the kids out of school. The final good-byes were said and my two beautifully kind, loving, empathetic kids were leading me to the door. What an emotionally joy filled day.

Next was ice-cream which we all enjoyed to celebrate another milestone. Here’s to new beginnings!

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Your timeline

When you were young you planned stages in your life. You drew out a timeline. When you would marry. The age you would have your first child, second and so on. You painted this picture in your head of the life you knew you wanted. But as you got older the years passed and your timeline seemed to change. You weren’t where you always planned you would be. You began to worry and pushed yourself in decisions you wouldn’t normally make but did so because of panic and fear. Things began falling apart and the heart breaks hurt so much more. Your energy was falling and your heart was weakening all because you weren’t making the unrealistic timeline you created for yourself. This is when the stages of disappointment played into your life. Starting with regret, fear, uncertainty which was followed by feeling like you were not meant to be loved, happy or wanted.

You convinced yourself that you did something wrong and this caused you to second guess every decision moving forward. I’m sure there are several other emotions I can mention but I believe the message is conveyed here. You reached a point where all you could do is let go. Let go of the heavy weight you’ve been carrying and just be.

Allow yourself to live each day as the gift it is. Allow yourself to love YOU again. To be the person you buried deep down inside and believe in yourself once more. Once you are able to get “you” back you are ready to move forward. To live with love in your heart. It helped me begin a new journey. One with an open mind, heart and arms. Ready to fill all with life.

I know the realization to get to that point is a challenge but once you are here you realize you have your entire life to start living again.

I know I do. I wish the same for all of you!

 

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She changed her mind

Night time routine was a bit delayed today and with Giovanni skipping his nap (jack hammer breaking concrete outside his bedroom window, thanks neighbors), he was overstimulated and pretty much bouncing off the walls. Finally got them bathed, dressed and ready for bed. I took Giovanni in his room and Asher took Isannah. Then we switch to say our goodnights to each blessing. When I walk in Isannah’s room she is standing up out of the cover and up against the corner of her crib. I try to cover her up and say good-night but she loudly tells me that she changed her mind and she’s no longer tired. I wanted to burst out laughing but carefully said to her in the sweetest voice that that’s not how it works it’s late and it’s bedtime. She fell into her crib allowed me to cover her and then she was out. It’s been an interesting day.

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Reaching out to you, my friend

Today I want to say, thank you for all the love and support of family and friends. A few days ago I was reminded of how fragile life is. Whether it was through my own life or a life close to my heart, it’s a reminder that life is a gift and we have to cherish every moment we are given. It is important to love unconditionally, receive love whole heartedly and just be open to the miracles that surround us even though we fear the loss of those miracles. We don’t know what each day will bring and although beautiful and happy, it’s also scary and confusing. No matter how heavy we feel. How confused we are. We need to believe that his will is greater and he will take us through it all. A lot of tears will be shed and may continue to fall until the end of our journey here but remembering what you have, had and loved can carry us to another day.
Things don’t always make sense and we have to deal with things that we never thought would happen but with the love of family and friends we can get to where we need to be. We need to lift the heavy weight and try to feel lighter, as hard as that may be. Just remember I am a friend till the end and then I will carry your love with me always. Thinking of those special to me and thanking God for my family and friendships.

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Daddy you suck?

I’m still giggling about a moment I witnessed with my husband and our daughter Isannah. She grabbed a hold of his arm and kept saying, daddy you suck, daddy you suck. The expression on his face was priceless. We both looked at each other as we tried to understand what she was saying. We asked her to say it again and with a big smile on her face she said very loudly, DADDY YOU SUCK. We tried to break her speech down as they have difficulties with pronunciation. She demonstrated what she was saying. She said, daddy then lifted his arm which she had locked in her hands and said Daddy you suck. I finally asked her, is daddy  STUCK because you are holding him. She said yes, SUCK. At that moment I realized that a little extra attention to her wording may help going forward. Hope you smiled and maybe chuckled a bit too.

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Never make big decisions during fireworks

I will never forget this 4th of July. It was the day we separated the kids room. Rain was falling on and off throughout the morning and early afternoon keeping us home bound to celebrate the 4th. The kids singing the songs from Frozen over and over with excitement in their eyes and laughter in their hearts. I just sat and watched them in amazement. Their little voices trying to hold the notes while smiling just hearing the song. No matter how many times it repeated the kids smiled as it was the very first time each time. At that moment my husband decided it was the perfect time to separate the kids rooms. They slept together in the same room since the day we brought them home. My initial reaction was fear then calmed into hope and joy for a new milestone that would take place. As my husband spoke my mind drifted away to the times we brought the babies home. Each on different days…NICU days. I couldn’t believe how they started and where they are today.

I started to get nervous but didn’t want it to show. We began moving and rearranging things asking the kids what toys they would like to keep in their own new rooms. This seemed to help them move forward with our plan. I noticed the closer we got to completing all that we could do at the moment my fear came back. It was another phase in their amazing young life but I wasn’t ready. It was me that was afraid. Maybe I just needed more planning, mentally and emotionally. I didn’t have any of the necessities like room decals, themes and accessories laid out. It was all spur of the moment which is not really something I do but I went with it. We finally finished and the kids each enjoyed a little time in one another’s room before it was time to nap.

Isannah still in a familiar room was sound asleep while Giovanni paced back and forth in his crib. He would stand up, sit down, lean forward and then back down. He did this a number of times before I went in his room to calm him and try to relax him. Nothing worked and he was not going down for a nap so I brought him with me and we talked about all the wonderful things he would do in his room. The colors he could select. The paint we could change and the wall decals that he could choose. Once again he was excited but no nap took place today.

Now let’s forward a few hours to our night time routine. All was going seemingly well up until the kids were tucked in their beds. They had only a moment to relax before firecrackers began beautifully playing outside. The screams and fears in their voices caused my husband and I to rush in each room to make them feel secure and comforted. Each time we thought it was over the cries began again. Finally exhausted they each fell to sleep. This time no nap for Giovanni worked for him and us. He was able to knock out immediately. Isannah slowly made her way into a comfortable sleep.

Let’s just say a night of known fireworks may not be the best day to separate rooms. In the future we will not make big decisions like this when fireworks are involved.

Keeping my fingers crossed that they sleep through the night as normal and wake up feeling well rested, secured in their room and happy for being a big boy and big girl now. As for me, now when I look at the monitors in each room and see them labeled as Gio and Isa rather than the nursery room, my chest just hurts a little. I guess we all need to get used to it.

 

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The look says it all

That moment you walk in school super excited to see the kids and then you see the look in your baby boys eyes and know something is wrong. As excited as he tried to be to tell me about the sprinklers at the park with class and all he did, he couldn’t hide the fact that he wasn’t really feeling well. I immediately checked his temperature with a loving kiss to the head and there it was. My baby boy has a fever. I asked the teacher how he was and everyone said he was happy and well. He even tried to convince me that he was ok but I knew something was definitely off as soon as he looked at me.

Play time at the park with friends cancelled and home we came. I knew once we arrived home he would be feeling a little differently then he braved at school. Isannah popped out of the stroller but Giovanni needed extra care and he asked me to hold him up the stairs. At that moment, I knew the decision to come home was the best one. This little boy, who needs persuading for naps, came over to where I sat on the couch cuddled up to me and fell fast asleep. 

Praying that he feels better soon and it doesn’t get worse. While hoping and praying Isannah doesn’t catch what ever it is that’s going on with her brother. Poor little snug bug all bugged out.

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