Life is full of many surprises both difficult and good but nothing prepared me for the pain you feel when both of your babies live their beginning days, weeks and months in the NICU. You are supposed to have your babies and then get to take them home with you but that didn’t happen for us. I thought that being on hospital bed rest was going to change everything. Give our daughter Isannah all the help she needed to continue to grow inside me like Giovanni was but that didn’t happen.

After an emergency c-section occurred both babies were taken to the NICU. From that moment on all I felt was guilt and shame that I couldn’t provide both my babies with all they needed to be born on their time rather than being forced out early to experience stress and pain. Having my babies in the NICU is the toughest thing I ever had to experience. I felt my heart breaking off piece by piece and with each crack a pain so intense went through my body. I wanted to cry and scream out loud but knew I had to keep it in and be strong for Isannah and Giovanni. Although I was crying inside I couldn’t let it show, not there. I am a mom now, I kept telling myself. Be strong for your babies but it was hard to convince myself not to cry. I know crying wastes too much energy and energy is what I needed to provide for my babies. Each time I sat by Isannah and Giovanni I focused on the rhythm of their breathing, memorized every inch of their little bodies and carefully watched each movement they made. I took them in with each breath I made. I wanted so much to be able to provide them with all the care that they needed but it wasn’t me that could help them. It was the machines, doctors and a nursing staff that provided the care they needed. All we could do was be at their side, hold their head and calm them down with our voice.

After time passed we were able to finally hold our babies by using the kangaroo method. The first time I got to hold Giovanni and kangaroo with him was the sweetest gift. My boy was able to lay skin to skin with me and we shared a connection. The first bond of many to come. Feeling him breathing on my chest, listening to the sounds he makes and feeling the little tapping of his tiny little fingers on my chest brought a smile that I’ve been missing to my face. Kangarooing is an amazing feeling. Then it was time to hold my little angel Isannah and enjoy the bond Kangarooing allowed. She is so tiny like a feather gently laying on my chest. Feeling Isannah become calm on me made me smile some more. The little joys you are able to experience in what you feel is a scary place with beeping alarms, dangling tubes and a dark environment is priceless. A feeling not expressed in words.

I thought after weeks of being in the hospital hearing “you are discharged” would be the greatest thing. Sadly, my joy was taken away from me when I couldn’t take my babies home. They are in NICU and will remain until they are strong enough to come home.  My heart is crying.