Roller coasters. I don’t like them. Never enjoyed them. Not knowing what’s coming. You are steady and then you are high and flying to be suddenly dropped with twists and turns and then just like that you are back up. It’s scary, exhilarating, makes you anxious, sick to your stomach, fear immediately slaps you in the face, and then just like that it’s over. Your heart is still beating but it feels like it’s about to come out of your chest and then you are still. The world is still and you can breathe steadily again.
I feel like I just described how life is. Maybe that’s why I don’t like roller coasters. You are hit with the realization that all these feelings happen to you daily and continue throughout your life.
The past few weeks I was riding one intensive roller coaster but I was stuck on the fear and sick stomach feeling part. Trying to make it all stop but the attendant kept the ride going.
The fear was real and I wanted so much to be in control but I wasn’t and you have to realize you never truly are. Things don’t always happen when you want them to. They happen when they are supposed to. No matter how much we wish or pray, you just have to go through it. Fear and all. It’s the only way to get to the other side and learn from it all as you look back.
When the people you care about are sick and suffering all rules and plans go out the window. Your mind immediately goes to the worst case scenario and your thinking gets impaired when fear takes over. You keep yourself in check so you can begin taking all the steps needed to help make things better. Make sure you catch things and prevent them from getting worse. It’s a lot of back and forth, self doubt and you feel helpless most of the time, like you can never do enough.
This is when your chest feels heavy and your heart hurts. Why is it that you alone put the worst pressure on yourself? You want to do so much for others and care with all you have but when it’s time to turn it around in your own direction it’s nearly impossible to do. It’s all coming to light.
The drop is making its way to steady itself again. We are finally at a plateau so we will let this ride and take it all in to give you time to regroup. Stay focused and make sure you are ready for the next rise and fall. But until then I’m going to stop this ride and stand for a moment.