Sometimes you need to hear it too

While the kids napped I went out for a moment to run an errand. I bumped into an old acquaintance along the way. But before I could even greet her hello she started talking about everything that was wrong in her life and how she wished she could be and look more like me or anyone else walking in front of us. I told her as I tell so many others that come to me with the same complaint. We each have our own problems and demons that we need to work out. Just because someone is smiling on the outside or looks put together doesn’t mean they are not going through something too. It just means they are doing their best to keep positive for everyone else while dealing with the issues they face inside daily. Your life is your own. You must treat it in a way that will make you happy. Fill yourself up with hope, love and peace. These things are beautiful once you learn to accept and live them. We are all unique in our own crazy ways. I’ll be the first to admit that I beat myself up about a lot of things. Even things as stupid as gaining a few pounds, or not keeping my weight down as I promised myself, or petty things like my looks. Then there are the bigger things that I feel like I fail at when others see differently. As I said we each have our demons but that doesn’t mean you are not special. You were made the way God intended. You need to appreciate and accept it and realize there are so many others worse than you. And yet they see the good and come to understand they too are where they are supposed to be. I tried to open her eyes to all she has in her life besides the failures but it was like talking to an ocean wind that keeps catching your breath and forces you to try to breathe again before doing it all over again. In the middle of it all, my thoughts drifted to times sitting with my Nonna and holding her hand. Trying to make her understand how much we all love her and how soon she would be well enough to leave the rehabilitation center and go back to her remolded home. As my friend talked I kept thinking of Nonna and how she never had the chance to go back home. It made me feel like I failed her and she left us not knowing all the beauty that was around her. She was full of life and loved so deeply. Man did she have jokes and a spunky personality. At that moment I snapped back to my friend and told her to stop. I explained that we have so much around us to be thankful for and we should enjoy the beauty that surrounds us. Life is not forever and we need to make what we can out of the time we are given. I felt like my Nonna gave me the strength and wisdom (again) to show her how much she is loved and I think at that moment she was with us both. My friend hugged me and said she understood. As I watched her go down the stairs to the subway I realized that I needed the pep talk more than she did. I no longer saw her but I sure felt my Nonna in the breeze.

Toy store fun

It’s been a tough few days. Sorry I’ve been out of the loop but I’m hoping to get back on track. The kids are feeling better. No more fevers or vomiting just some spunky jamming tots. Today was amazing. We went to the toy store picked out some toys. Well, Isa picked out the Strawberry Shortcake doll she’s been talking about for days since pooping in the potty. Gio looked around but didn’t want anything. He held a few items in the store but then handed them back to me saying he didn’t want it. We went through each aisle a few times and still nothing. He was just happy being in the store. His face all smiles so I had to pick out a little something for the car ride home since I knew Isannah would be talking to Strawberry Shortcake the entire time. It was an interesting ride home with the conversations being heard from the backseat. These two were just content and in return made me feel at ease and calm. We had a lot of bonding time today which helped me forget about the few days before. It’s amazing how sometimes you can feel so overwhelmed but then those same two can bring so much calm, joy and peace into your day. Now all I can do is smile and watch them as they sleep peacefully through the night. Another day has past and more memories were made. It’s time to close my eyes and rest to prepare myself for another fun filled toddler kind of day!  

A little wine

I’m not a drinker but if I have to drink I go with the frozen fruity drinks. I try wine from time to time as my husband says it’s an acquired taste and I guess I haven’t acquired it yet. However, after a long day I truly appreciated that glass of red wine and understand the calmness it brings. I held my glass close to me as the music played, closed my eyes and tried to block out the circling movements that Gio continued to do the entire day. From the stomping of the feet to the squatting in tears, and the constant cleaning of a butt hole that wouldn’t let the friggin poop pass through. I can smell the smells and hear the mommy please clean it, clean it and the pleading for the butt pain to go away. My heart felt for him as he walked around like a chicken with no head. Not knowing what he was feeling and what could be done. He just wanted to poop in the potty. Any potty from the big potty seats to the baby seats. From the upstairs bathroom to the downstairs bathroom anything to make it come out. Then finally and slowly things started to happen. It wasn’t for a few more attempts after that one, that he was no longer worried and upset. This day was full of many things, but one thing I know for sure is the glass of wine was very much appreciated.

My smart cookie

I was outsmarted by my daughter today. I had this crazy idea that I would bring the kids to the movies for the first time. I didn’t care if they stayed 5 minutes or for an hour. I just wanted to try it out. The kids have been sick so I wanted to keep them away from any parks, play areas, etc… This heat wave is brutal. I think part of my butt cheek melted off and is sizzling on the concrete. Now that you know how hot it is and why I thought of this clever idea for a movie theater with air conditioning would do wonders. We get to the theater to find out the only animated cartoon is packed with no room for us. This was a big disappointment for the kids who were repeating the words big TV, big TV in tears. As you could tell, the big TV was mentioned in the car ride along the way. To try and lift their spirits and stop them from snot bubbling in the back seat I decided to get fun cookies from the bakery. I came back with a bag of just a few cookies and showed the kids the selection so they could select the one they each wanted. The crying stopped and their eyes widened. Gio picked a rainbow colored sprinkle cookie and Isa was super duper excited to select the M&M cookie. Isannah was beaming from ear to ear and kept talking about her cookie and how she was picking off each M&M and eating them. As she was done she told me she ate M&M’s and didn’t go poop in the potty. See my treat for pooping in the potty is 5 mini M&M’s. Gio gets them quite often as he mastered both the peeing and the pooping in the potty. Isa has yet to really poop in the potty so NO M&M’s for Isa until today. I have one smart cookie! 

When you need a mom save

I needed my two moms today and they both came into my day at just the right time. Love my conversations with MaMia (mother-in-law) and the kids enjoyed skyping with her too. Watching the kids show off a little, interact and listen made me smile. At that moment I needed that breath and MaMia allowed me just that. No matter the miles between you and someone so special it’s the feel that connects you together that stays in your heart and fills your moments at just the right time. Then over the laughter and kids excitement my parents walked through the door and I couldn’t have been happier. My moms constant love and effortless help always comforts me like the biggest safety blanket you can have. In the mix of the fevers, belly ache complaints, cryings and just about anything that could happen today, mommy was there for me as she always is. She helped with her loving heart and I felt a wave of ease come over me. I hate to admit it but I needed the extra hand while my handsome man was in the city this evening. It amazes me no matter how old you get, when your mom comes by, you feel like her little girl. You know that at that moment if you needed to be that kid who needed her mommy she would scoop you up and be that person for you each time. I pray that I do some things right with these kids that they will always feel my love and always know that I am their mommy. Thank you for blessing me with the most amazing women in my life.  

Fevers and ouchies in the belly

I was so happy this morning when Isannah woke up fever free. I thought after a day of fevers things were looking up. We played and laughed and enjoyed a drive together. All of the sudden my little man Giovanni informed me that his tummy hurt. Before I was able to check to see how he was doing puke was rapidly coming out of his mouth on to his clothes, the car seat and car. Poor little guy was so unhappy and worried. I immediately pulled over and we began the cleaning and changing process. The crying sounds from the back seat continued all the way home. Not from one but both children. You want so much to comfort them and make them feel better but driving in a car makes it most difficult and causes you to feel like you are not doing all that you could to help. We finally made it home and just took the day in and relaxed but not before Gio threw up once more. Fever stayed steady at 100 and his little tummy was hurting on and off. This continued until dinner which he hardly touched. We skipped the night time routine for him for the first time and let him rest but each time he lifted his head our baby boy puked. I watched my husbands loving eyes look so concerned as he took care of our Gio. No matter the amount of puke I cleaned, the change of blankets and sheets I felt blessed knowing I had him on my side and helping us through this. Both Gio and Isa are finally peacefully sleeping, at least I hope they are both as comfortable as can be. I can’t take my eyes off the video monitor. I’m so worried he is going to get scared and puke again. Please help them sleep through the night pain free and wake up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day with their spunky self. 

The reflection in the mirror

After Gio’s bath, dress and prepare for bed routine. I picked him up in my arms and looked directly in front of me. I was looking in the mirror and what I saw made my eyes water. I saw the back of my boys head with his new haircut plus 5 years. He was a big boy and he was giving his mommy a hug. The vision seemed so real and it made me hold him even tighter. I wiped away a tear and began singing rock-a-bye baby like I always do. He said the last word of every verse and then kissed me on the cheek. I squeezed him once more before saying goodnight. They are growing so quickly and yet they are so small and fragile. 

A moment for me…

Today I was able to get away while the kids napped. I was able to run around without lugging diaper bags, a potty seat and kids, and although it felt good something was missing. I’m not talking about the kids as much as I love them and want them with me, what seems like always, it was something else. I used to love being able to run my errands. Go here and there without a care or thought in the world and though today I was able to run around and do things that I missed alone, it was different. Why do I feel like I can’t get that feeling back? Why do I allow myself to feel overwhelmed? I was able to enjoy some alone time with me but I feel like I didn’t want it or deserve it. When I got home after my quick outing I looked at Gio and Isa already up and I smiled. Seeing them playing and giggling when I walked through the door made me feel calmer. I was able to take them in and just put my mind and body at ease. Sorry, it was just one of those days. 

Visitors along the way

As we live our life many visitors stop by along the way. Some stay by your side to join you on your journey. Some will peak in to run away quickly. Some want to share only the beautiful moments with you and leave when things get difficult and some will cause so much commotion but brings love, sadness, confusion and uncertainty into your life that will teach you and help you grow along the way. No matter the situation or time each will bring memories into your life. Memories that can last a lifetime. I have memories that have played a part in my every day and some that no matter the feeling they bring can impact something you need to deal with. No matter the impact or result, I feel each will complete a painting so engulfing that when the time draws near, can be looked at as a beautiful work of art. It’s crazy that no matter the years that pass you can still relate to a time and feel exactly the way you felt in that moment. Whether it chills or it’s a wave of comfort it’s a feeling that you will never lose. As I write this I feel the corners of my mouth quiver before relaxing into a soft smile because of a memory that surfaced. Isn’t it weird how memories play such a present part in your life?