While I was looking for something in the closet my foot touched something soft on the floor so I looked down. All of the sudden I felt tingles throughout my body. My foot touched the ballet slippers I wore while on hospital bed rest during my pregnancy. I couldn’t help but smile and then almost cry remembering that time. I enjoyed being pregnant. Those memories made me smile until the memories of home bed rest, preeclampsia, hospital bed rest and the NICU surfaced. I tried to block all those thoughts and moments out of my head just to stare back at the slippers and remember the happy time of my pregnancy. Feeling the flutters of kicking in my belly. Watching my belly grow and documented each growth with a photo. I used to love it when my husband took photos of my belly. I could see in his eyes how excited he was too. He enjoyed taking the photos and watching me grow. I just knew it inside that he did. It was a beautiful time and experience. I knew being pregnant would feel amazing but I never knew just how precious the gift could be. I had two tiny hearts inside me to add to my own big heart. All beating together. Each beat brought all of us closer together. It’s an experience I don’t think I could possibly explain but what I do know is it’s a magical time. A time where love grows in a way that touches your toes and curls your hair. It’s a time where you are creating the beauty of life within you. It’s like being born again with a light that shines around you and carries you to safety each step of the way. It’s a beauty of life that opens up a part of your heart you didn’t know existed. All these feelings lead to finally being a mother and holding your children for the first time and thinking, what do I do now besides love them always? I was afraid and to this day still fear that I may be doing something wrong in all the right I pray to do.

You are up. You look around and smile. Just think today is your gift from God. You are given another chance to smile, love and do the things you promised you would. Hold your loved ones close. Take them in and enjoy this gift you’ve been given to the absolute fullest. We don’t know how long we have so make this gift the most precious gift you received until tomorrow.

When my arms can no longer knowingly reach out to hold you and touch your face that is when my world dies.

It’s been a long time since the house has been this quiet. The kids are napping upstairs while Grizzly is asleep downstairs. The only sound I hear is the humming of the central air fading in and out. There’s calmness all around me but why is the room so heavy? I feel like my thoughts are pulling me in all different directions and it’s making me so tired. My body so heavy. I try to breathe in and out softly hoping my mind will calm but it doesn’t. Is there a turn off switch so I can stop the thoughts that don’t need my immediate attention or the pains that way heavy on my shoulder. Why can’t I just push those things aside and think of all that is right now in front of me. Like the chance to just relax and take in the stillness of the moment. How do I learn to be in the moment? These are some of my battles within myself that I try to handle with memories of loved ones. Thoughts of the children and special events that fill my days. I do my best to focus on all that is good in my life and I remember all that was not so good to remind me I am who I am today because of all of it. Life is full of many things not all good but this is the way we learn how to truly appreciate the good in our lives. If there was no hurt and pain how would we truly know and feel love and happiness. Things have a way of coming together and making sense. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out just what that is but in time you do. I guess this is my reminder to myself.  

I’m not sure if it’s the cool Fall breeze blowing in the summer air or if it’s the memories flooding this head but it’s sending chills up and down my body. Raising those little back of the neck hairs. I think the kids are feeling it too. They did an amazing job in Super Soccer Stars this morning. It has to be the cool wind blowing around the kids faces because they were full of life and energy. They were giggling and following directions like no other day. The excitement had us all smiles and giddy. When it was time for a water break they ran into my arms. Eyes lit up and smiles reached the moon and back. The hugs were more meaningful if that’s even possible and the love that floated around us today was felt for miles and miles. This is a day I needed. Hoping everyone is feeling the love through the breeze and hugs through the summer wind.  

I’m not sure what it is about today but I’m feeling nostalgic. Maybe it’s the summer breeze that passes through my hair from time to time or the crinkling of leaves under my shoes as I walk around but it’s something. It’s a feeling of Fall in Summer if that makes any sense. I hear the tree sounds as I watch the swaying of branches and leaves. I look all around and I see brown leaves on the streets, sidewalks and on stoops. I smell fresh roasted coffee along with pastries and cinnamon. I don’t know where this is coming from but it’s there. The warmth around me is heavy but soothing and all I want to do is nestle in the arms of the one I love. It’s moments like these that you want to last a lifetime. You want to hold in a special place to be pulled out when convenient. It’s times like these that the laughter of children fills your every void and keeps you remembering the amazing life in front of us, around us and within us. Welcome to my Fall in Summer.  

While the kids napped I went out for a moment to run an errand. I bumped into an old acquaintance along the way. But before I could even greet her hello she started talking about everything that was wrong in her life and how she wished she could be and look more like me or anyone else walking in front of us. I told her as I tell so many others that come to me with the same complaint. We each have our own problems and demons that we need to work out. Just because someone is smiling on the outside or looks put together doesn’t mean they are not going through something too. It just means they are doing their best to keep positive for everyone else while dealing with the issues they face inside daily. Your life is your own. You must treat it in a way that will make you happy. Fill yourself up with hope, love and peace. These things are beautiful once you learn to accept and live them. We are all unique in our own crazy ways. I’ll be the first to admit that I beat myself up about a lot of things. Even things as stupid as gaining a few pounds, or not keeping my weight down as I promised myself, or petty things like my looks. Then there are the bigger things that I feel like I fail at when others see differently. As I said we each have our demons but that doesn’t mean you are not special. You were made the way God intended. You need to appreciate and accept it and realize there are so many others worse than you. And yet they see the good and come to understand they too are where they are supposed to be. I tried to open her eyes to all she has in her life besides the failures but it was like talking to an ocean wind that keeps catching your breath and forces you to try to breathe again before doing it all over again. In the middle of it all, my thoughts drifted to times sitting with my Nonna and holding her hand. Trying to make her understand how much we all love her and how soon she would be well enough to leave the rehabilitation center and go back to her remolded home. As my friend talked I kept thinking of Nonna and how she never had the chance to go back home. It made me feel like I failed her and she left us not knowing all the beauty that was around her. She was full of life and loved so deeply. Man did she have jokes and a spunky personality. At that moment I snapped back to my friend and told her to stop. I explained that we have so much around us to be thankful for and we should enjoy the beauty that surrounds us. Life is not forever and we need to make what we can out of the time we are given. I felt like my Nonna gave me the strength and wisdom (again) to show her how much she is loved and I think at that moment she was with us both. My friend hugged me and said she understood. As I watched her go down the stairs to the subway I realized that I needed the pep talk more than she did. I no longer saw her but I sure felt my Nonna in the breeze.